Welcome to Lauretta Ani's Blog: BOOK REVIEW: YOU CAN NEGOTIATE ANYTHING

One of my best business books ever. Please click on the link below for the full review.

Welcome to Lauretta Ani's Blog: BOOK REVIEW: YOU CAN NEGOTIATE ANYTHING: Hello people. I remember the first job interview I attended. I went for the interview filled with high hopes that I would be paid a...

BOOK OF THE WEEK: THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF TEENAGERS By Gary Chapman

Hello people.

A curious incident happened once when I was in secondary school. A rather old and not-so-good looking woman came to visit a fellow student, and the student in question remarked that the woman was her aunt or something like that. It was later we got to know that the woman was actually her mother, but the student, being ashamed of her mother’s looks, could not bear to tell other students that the woman was her mother. It was an unforgettable incident at the time but as time went on, I forgot about it until recently, when certain events roused the memory of the incident.

  As a school counsellor, I get to hear and observe a lot of things relating to teens and their families; however, one thing strikes me the most in all this; and that is how parents can love their teens so much and yet the teens in question do not feel that they are loved by their parents. One may think that this happens only in homes with too-strict parents but surprisingly, even teenagers whose parents have a laissez-faire approach to parenting still find it difficult sometimes to believe their parents love them. You don’t have to be particularly clairvoyant to know this…When you see a teen denying the parent who struggled to put him or her through school or a teen desperately seeking for attention from fellow teens despite the fact that he or she enjoys a close relationship with one or both parents, it’s a clear sign that a miscommunication occurred somewhere along the line between the teen and his or her parent(s).

So the question is, how do parents love their teens in such a way that the teenager knows that he or she is loved? Is it by having a laissez-faire approach to parenting? Is it by being strict, or by shouting ‘I love you’ until the teen turns deaf? Therein lies the subject of today’s blog post: a review of the book: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman.

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers was first written by Dr. Gary Chapman in the year 2000 and revised in 2005 and 2010. In the book, Gary suggests that at the root of much teenage misbehaviour is an empty love tank. He opines that it’s not that parents don't love their teens, but that many teens don't feel that love.  

Gary points out the consequences of teenagers feeling unloved, saying that when a teenager's love tank is empty, he thinks that no one really cares about him/her. As a result, motivation for learning is dissipated based on the premise that no one cares if he or she does well at school, anyway. He also stresses that an empty love tank affects the teen's ability to empathize with others and quotes a saying by James Gabarino: Emotionally needy boys who are rejected by parents and teachers are prime targets for antisocial older youths and adults.

Gary lists and describes the five love languages of teens as:

·       Words of Affirmation: He posits that all teens need affirmation but some need it more than others. He encourages parents to learn to praise for effort, not necessarily for perfection.

·       Physical Touch: Dr Chapman states here that some teens love hugs, wrestling, etc. He however advises parents to do it with tact and also takes the opportunity to tackle the issue of sexual abuse in this chapter.

·       Quality Time: Gary declares that this is the most difficult love language to speak and explains that quality time is not mere proximity, rather, parents really need to be there. He exhorts parents to make the teen feel that he or she is more important than events. He  finally suggests ways of having quality conversations with teenagers; for example, don't multitask when conversing with your teen.

·       Acts of service: Parenting is a service oriented task according to Dr Chapman, however, some teens appreciate such acts more than other teens.  He declares that statements like “I will drive you to your friend's house if you will clean your room” is not an act of service but a trade by barter. He describes a rule of thumb regarding acts of service: do for teens what they cannot do for themselves. For example, he says that parents should wash their cloths for them when they're young, but teach them to wash it themselves as they grow older. This makes the teen learn independence.

·       Gifts: Gary explains that while gift-giving is what makes some teens feel loved, a gift is not a gift if it is given for service rendered. For example, if a parent buys a dress for their teen because he or she did house chores, the dress is not a gift but payment for service rendered. He further educates parents on how to give the gift of money effectively and exhorts parents to consider their teen's interest before giving a gift so as to avoid giving a gift that will not be appreciated.

Dr Chapman goes on to explain how a teen's love language can be discovered and emphasizes that no matter what a teen's love language is, he or she needs to receive love in all the languages. Quoting Ambrose Bierce who said: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret,” Gary suggests ways of managing anger, saying that one word spoken by a parent in anger can undo acts of love.  Personally, I must say that I’m not sure I agree with some of his submissions on anger management as they do seem a bit too formulaic and slightly unworkable, at least in an African context. Despite this, though, this is definitely a very useful and must-read book for parents and adults working with teenagers. Other must-read books by Gary Chapman include:

 What are your thoughts on Dr. Chapman's submissions? Please feel free to comment below.

BOOK OF THE WEEK: GOOD TO GREAT by Jim Collins

Hello, people.

In my experience, many business or leadership books usually teach principles for growing a successful business or organization; however, the book, Good to Great takes it a step further. With research done on eleven companies that made the transition from being good companies to being great companies, author Jim Collins compares these companies to other companies within the same industry that failed to make or sustain the transition from good to great. He then goes on to describe, from his findings, the principles for transforming a good company into a great one. 

One good thing about this book is the fact that the principles contained therein are applicable not only to companies but to individuals as well. Anyone wishing to become outstanding at  what he or she does will find that the book is a must-have, and a must-keep.

Enjoy, and do have a lovely week.

Good to Great was written by Jim Collins in 2001 and published by HarperCollins. In the book, Jim lists his findings on how to transform a company from good to great after he, with a team of researchers, carried out research on great companies[as at 2001] such as Gillette, Fannie Mae and Walgreens  and compared them with other companies like Chrysler et al which were not doing so well at the time. Jim and his fellow researchers came up with certain surprising and not-so-surprising findings:

FIRST FINDING: LEVEL 5 LEADERSHIP

In this chapter, Jim observed that the successful companies described in the book have Level 5 leaders who are more concerned with the progress of the company than with their own egotistical needs. He notes that the opposite is the case in the comparison companies, many of whom had leaders with the “biggest dog syndrome” – they didn’t mind other dogs in the kernel as long as they remained the biggest one. Jim also points out the damaging tendency of companies to appoint leaders based on charisma and larger than life personas, stating that such leaders are usually negatively correlated with going from good to great. He finally admonishes companies to look out for character traits like humility and self determination in a would-be leader as opposed to personality traits like charisma.

SECOND FINDING: FIRST WHO…. THEN WHAT

Based on his research findings, Jim proposes in this chapter that to get a company from good to great, first get the right people on the bus before figuring out where to take it. He states that having the right people in a company drastically reduces the problem of micromanagement and motivation as such people can't settle for anything less than excellence in their work. If the wrong people are working in a company, however, it doesn't matter if the leader is a great visionary, it still won't be a great company. Jim advises managers looking to hire that when in doubt about a prospective hire, don’t hire, rather, keep looking. He points out that when a company wishes to transition from good to great, people are not the most important asset; the right people are.

THIRD FINDING: CONFRONT THE BRUTAL FACTS, YET NEVER LOSE FAITH

Jim observed that in the good to great companies, the CEOs exhibited the Stockdale Paradox in spite of the crises the company may have been going through at the time: they retained faith that they would prevail in the end regardless of the circumstances while at the same time confronting the brutal facts of the current reality. This was in contrast to the comparison companies whose CEOs insisted on dishing out false hope without acknowledging the brutal reality staring them in the face. Jim maintains that spending time and energy trying to ‘motivate’ people is a waste of effort especially since the right people are already self-motivated. He points out that the key consideration should be how not to de-motivate people and states that refusing to confront the brutal facts is a primary de-motivator of workers.

FOURTH FINDING: HEDGEHOG CONCEPT

Jim describes the parable of the hedgehog and the fox in this chapter and states that for a company to go from good to great, it must develop its Hedgehog Concept. The Hedgehog Concept, according to Jim, is made up of three intersecting circles comprising of :

1.    An understanding of what a company can be the best at.

2.    An understanding of what drives a company’s economic engine.

3.   An understanding of what a company is deeply passionate about.

Jim suggests that one reason why companies don’t make the transition from good to great is that they diversify into portfolios that are not within their Hedgehog Concept, pointing out that this makes a recipe for disaster. He states that companies must understand what they can be the best at; as well as what they cannot be the best at, and attributes the success of the great companies to their ability to identify their Hedgehog Concept and stick to it. Finally, he notes that the great companies set their goals and strategies based on understanding while the comparison companies set theirs based on bravado.

FIFTH FINDING: A CULTURE OF DISCIPLINE

Jim maintains in this chapter that the good to great transition begins by getting the right, self disciplined people on the bus. Then a culture of disciplined thought is needed. He points out that the great companies in the research study followed a simple mantra:

“Anything that does not fit into our Hedgehog Concept, we will not do. We will not launch unrelated businesses. We will not make unrelated acquisitions. We will not do unrelated joint ventures,” etc.

On the other hand, Jim points out that a lack of discipline to stay within the three circles was a major factor that led to the demise of nearly all the comparison companies. 

SIXTH FINDING: TECHNOLOGICAL ACCELERATORS

Jim proposes here that technology should accelerate momentum in a company, not build it. This, according to him, is because a company cannot make good use of technology until it knows which technologies are relevant to it and link directly to the three intersecting circles of its Hedgehog Concept. Jim lists questions companies should ask when considering a particular technology and points out that technology without the discipline to stay within the three circles in the Hedgehog Concept cannot make a company great. He states that mediocrity results first and foremost from management failure, not technological failure.

One thing I love about this book is its use of research findings and empirical data. It's not necessarily a book of ideas or ideologies as much as it is a book whose salient findings were made by researching various successful and not-so-successful companies. For those who are yet to read the book, I encourage you to go out and get it, it definitely is worth the buy.

Welcome to Lauretta Ani's Blog: BOOK REVIEW: PIERCING THE DARKNESS

Welcome to Lauretta Ani's Blog: BOOK REVIEW: PIERCING THE DARKNESS: Bacon Elementary School seems to be like any other school except that the school offers non-traditional subjects, such as a curriculum ...

BOOK OF THE WEEK: WHY YOU ACT THE WAY YOU DO

Hello, people.

They say love is blind, and nowhere is this demonstrated as much as in marriage.  A cursory look at marriages around may cause one to ask in some instances: ‘What on earth did he see in her?’ or ‘How could she have married him despite so-and-so?’

When hubby and I were dating, I found certain characteristics of his to be quite strange then [and I know he felt the same way too]. My husband tends to be a bit finicky and his attention to details does drive me mad sometimes. Not that I am not a detailed person; but, I mean, who cares to know how many kilometres he or she covered in the past thirty minutes? Oh wait, I know one person who does care…hubby dearest. 

Who cares what sort of bedspread is on the bed as long as it’s a clean one? You guessed right...hubby dearest. Who cares to watch out for landmarks when driving; after all, what is Google Map for? You guessed right again. Hubby dearest. I remember saying to him one day: ‘You know what, baby? You need to relax, your world won’t collapse around you if things are not done to perfection.’ He looked at me like I was insane; and I think at some point he did think I was; after all, how can someone just not care to set landmarks when driving, or to calculate the kilometres they covered, or to try to lay the bed to perfection, or to write down how much curry and thyme is needed for spicing food or to…and the list goes on and on.

The day I read Tim Lahaye’s Why You Act the Way You Do, a light bulb went on in my head [and in his too, I might add.] It became obvious that neither of us was trying to drive the other person crazy; we were just acting the way we were wired. Some people are born perfectionists; others, like me, learn to be. Some are born introverts, others, extroverts. In the book, Tim Lahaye suggests that temperament is a combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect our behaviour. He also proposes that temperament influences everything about us such as our eating, shopping and study habits, our driving skills, our handwriting, and even the way we discipline our children.

 I consider this book to be one of the best on temperaments especially because of its simple language and illustrations that help to buttress its points. Those about to wed as well as the already married will find it useful for understanding their partner. Workers will also find it useful for workplace and everyday interactions as the book promotes an understanding of people and how to relate with them. Please feel free to leave your comments after reading.

Do have a wonderful week.

The book Why You Act the Way You Do was written by Tim Lahaye in 1984 and initially published under the title Your Temperament: Discover its Potential. In the book, Tim Lahaye claims that temperament is a combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect our behaviour, and that it influences everything about us such as our eating, shopping and study habits, our driving skills, our handwriting, and even the way we discipline our children.  He identifies four basic temperament types viz;

1.     Sanguine

2.     Choleric

3.     Melancholy

4.     Phlegmatic

Lahaye also lists describes some of the strengths and weaknesses of each:

Temperament	Strength	Weakness
Sanguines	Outgoing, Enthusiastic, Warm And Friendly	Undisciplined And Emotionally Unstable.
Choleric	Determined, Independent, Practical, Visionary.	Cold And Unemotional, Domineering, Unforgiving, Cruel.
Melancholy	Analytical, Self-Sacrificing, Self-Disciplined, Industrious	Moody, Revengeful, Touchy, Critical.
Phlegmatic	Calm, Dependable, Efficient, Humorous	Procrastinator, Indecisive, Unmotivated, Fearful.

 In addition, Tim states that many people do not possess just one temperament, rather, the average person possesses a combination of two or more temperaments. He states and describes twelve blends of temperament in the book, some of which include:

1.     Sanguine-Melancholy: The SanMel is highly emotional and fluctuates drastically. They can laugh hysterically one minute and burst into tears the next. They genuinely feel the grief of others and cannot watch melancholic movies or listen to sad songs without bursting into tears. They however tend to be uninhibited perfectionists and could be quite critical of others.

2.     Choleric-Sanguine: The ChlorSan is quite activity prone and is inclined to be an excellent motivator of people. They are apt to be fearless and exhibit boundless energy. They however tend to be quite hostile, opinionated and manipulative.

3.     Choleric- Phlegmatic: The ChlorPhleg is extremely capable, organized and hard working, even though he/she may not seem that way at first. People usually enjoy working with them because they know where they are going but are not too severe with people. They tend to harbour resentment and bitterness, however, and could be subtly sarcastic and stubborn.

4.     Melancholy-Sanguine: The MelSan is usually gifted in the Arts and has the tendency to become an excellent teacher because of his/her attention to details and good communication skills. They are however prone to mood swings; they could be fantastically happy when things are going well  but severly depressed when things are not going as planned. The MelSan can also be unreasonably critical, idealistic, and hard on others.

5.     Melancholy-Choleric: The MelChlor temperament possesses strong leadership ability, self will and determination. They are perfectionists and pay great attention to details. However, they are extremely difficult people to please, rarely satisfying even themselves. They tend to be nitpickers and usually criticize other people frequently, thus alienating themselves from people.

6.     Phlegmatic- Choleric: The PhlegChlor is easy to get along with and is usually an excellent group leader. This temperament also makes for good counsellors as they have good listening skills and are genuinely interested in other people. However, they are apt to be stubborn and uncooperative if things don’t go as they wish.

Tim Lahaye goes on to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of each temperament and suggests ways of strengthening one’s temperament weakness. Furthermore, he describes vocations that are suitable for each temperament type as well as the behaviour of each temperament in marriage and spiritual affairs.

I find this book to be one of the most comprehensive on the subject of temperaments, and even though there are many other books on the same subject [some of them with complicated names that one is prone to forget after reading], this book remains one of my go-to books when I need to consult on the subject. I recommend this book to individuals interested in learning about their temperament, as well as to couples, parents, teachers and counsellors.

A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT...

Hello, people.

Joe Vitale says that a goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot. One can also rephrase this as: 'A dream should scare you a little, and excite you a lot.' Many of us have dreams for the future but sometimes one wonders, 'Can this dream ever come to pass?'

If you have ever wondered thus, you are not alone.
I remember when I started blogging. My fear then was: 'Will people visit the blog?' Especially seeing as many Nigerians are more familiar with news blogs as opposed to lifestyle/culture blogs. Nine months down the line, I am very glad I took the step of faith and launched out into the deep. I have made connections that I could never have made without launching the blog, and my writing skills have also improved tremendously. I have also started writing [or rather, almost finished writing] my first book, a novel. But more on that in a later post.

  Based on my own experiences, I believe the key to fulfilling a dream is first to have faith, and then to take a step of faith each day that will bring you closer to your dream. As a quote says:

As they say: 'inch by inch, it's a cinch.' Take that one step of faith today, everyday. And watch as your dreams come to pass. 

Do have a lovely week.

BOOK REVIEW: THE TEN COMMANDMENTS of WORKING in a HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT

Hello people.

A Gallup poll released in 2013 showed that only 13% of workers feel a passion for their job and a deep connection to their employer. The same poll showed that 63% of workers are unhappy at their jobs and put  in little or no energy in it while the remaining 24% of workers are actively disengaged from their jobs; they hate their jobs and feel frustrated by it.

It might be easy for one to overlook the data; after all, this survey was probably taken in the US or the UK and so has no bearing on Africa, right? Wrong! The information was gathered from workers in 142 countries, including African countries.

In reality, some of us might not need a poll or a soothsayer to inform us that many people are unhappy at work, a simple look in the mirror as well as a discussion with our acquaintances is sometimes all that is needed. But, one may ask, why are so many people unhappy at work? Reasons could range from having a petty boss to having to meet deadlines that are sometimes ulcer-causing, but whatever the case may be, the bottom line still remains…many people are unhappy at work. So what’s a person to do?

The good news is; one can always resign from the organization. The bad news is…wait, there are two, actually. One; the next job might not be forthcoming thus rendering one jobless for a while, and two, the probability of encountering hostile conditions in the next environment is quite high [Don't believe me? Ask workers who change jobs virtually every other year. They will confirm my statement].

This week, I have chosen to review the book ‘The Ten Commandments of Working in a Hostile Environment’ by T.D Jakes. Full of sage advice, the book will come in handy for people experiencing unhappiness in their place of work. Workers presently enjoying their place of work will also find ideas in the book which, if implemented, could enhance their feeling of satisfaction on the job.Enjoy.

The Ten Commandments of Working in a Hostile Environment is a book written by Thomas Dexter Jakes and published by The Berkeley Publishing Group. In the book, T.D Jakes explains how one can rise above petty conflicts and turn obstacles into opportunities. Some of the commandments described in the book include:

First Commandment: Know that you are anointed for the job or position you now hold:

T.D Jakes asserts that one of the first impulses workers must control is the tendency to think that the grass is always greener on the other side. He posits that people are strategically placed in certain offices for a Divine Assignment and that often times, adverse circumstances serve as a training ground to develop strength of character.

Second Commandment: Don't expect to be appreciated.

T.D Jakes maintains in this chapter that a workplace is not the place to receive affirmation.  He further contends that the craving for appreciation in the workplace is what often leads to great disappointment as it gives others the power to influence our sense of worth, among other things. He encourages his readers not to take things personally and to know who they are apart from what they do, emphasizing that it is OK to expect appreciation from family, friends and acquaintances but not from work, adding that work is just what it sounds like: work.

Third commandment: Embrace opportunities for change.

T.D Jakes postulates here that change is one of the greatest sources of friction in work environments. This change could be in form of a transfer from one department to another, a change in one’s line manager, etc.  He encourages readers to view transition as a means to the next level and gives some practical advice for dealing with changes in the workplace, one of which includes being careful about what you say in the office and refusing to be a loose cannon. T.D Jakes further adds that speaking one’s mind is not always the best course of action to take despite what people say as often times we end up violating our own privacy as a result.

Fourth Commandment: Do the job well while remembering the vision.

In this chapter, T.D Jakes maintains that the secret to performing our duties well without becoming disgruntled or bored is to maintain a vision of where we’re headed in the future. He exhorts readers to maintain a double vision; to make the most of the present while anticipating the future. He further warns readers to be careful not to make money the primary reason for working otherwise one runs the risk of prostituting oneself to the highest bidder and missing one’s higher purpose.

Fifth Commandment: Don’t let the environment get inside of you: Negative attitudes, harmful behaviour, and insidious gossip can make one lose his/her peace, joy and vision, according to T.D Jakes. When this happens, depression becomes the inevitable outcome. For this reason, it is important that one takes precautions against such harmful emotions. T.D Jakes suggests that the first measure to take is to attend to proper spiritual nutrition. In other words, this is the time to be as close to God as possible so as to receive spiritual strength. In addition to this, he strongly urges readers to maintain boundaries between work life and other facets of life stating that work is not the place to air personal problems or receive therapy. The person you aired your marital problems to today might prevent you from tackling the next big assignment tomorrow citing the excuse that your preoccupation with your marital issues might affect your performance on the assignment! He advises readers to take time to rest, to engage in physical exercise and to cultivate meaningful relationships outside of work.

Other commandments described in the book are:

Sixth Commandment: Increase your capacity to work with difficult personalities.

Seventh Commandment: Where you are is not where you are going.

Eight Commandment: Achieve optimal results with minimal confusion.

Ninth Commandment: Do not pledge allegiance to cliques and groups [My favourite chapter].

Tenth Commandment: Always keep your song near you.

Readers used to T.D Jakes style of writing will know that he is usually poetical in his writings [Think Woman Thou Art Loosed and The Lady, The Lover and her Lord]; however he deviated from his norm with this book and was quite pragmatic in his writing. I recommend this book to every worker; I guarantee that you will find it handy and will keep referring to it again and again.

Have you read this book before? If so, what’s your take on it? For first time readers, do you feel inspired to read the book after reading this review? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below.