BOOK OF THE WEEK: WHY YOU ACT THE WAY YOU DO

Hello, people.

They say love is blind, and nowhere is this demonstrated as much as in marriage.  A cursory look at marriages around may cause one to ask in some instances: ‘What on earth did he see in her?’ or ‘How could she have married him despite so-and-so?’

When hubby and I were dating, I found certain characteristics of his to be quite strange then [and I know he felt the same way too]. My husband tends to be a bit finicky and his attention to details does drive me mad sometimes. Not that I am not a detailed person; but, I mean, who cares to know how many kilometres he or she covered in the past thirty minutes? Oh wait, I know one person who does care…hubby dearest. 

Who cares what sort of bedspread is on the bed as long as it’s a clean one? You guessed right...hubby dearest. Who cares to watch out for landmarks when driving; after all, what is Google Map for? You guessed right again. Hubby dearest. I remember saying to him one day: ‘You know what, baby? You need to relax, your world won’t collapse around you if things are not done to perfection.’ He looked at me like I was insane; and I think at some point he did think I was; after all, how can someone just not care to set landmarks when driving, or to calculate the kilometres they covered, or to try to lay the bed to perfection, or to write down how much curry and thyme is needed for spicing food or to…and the list goes on and on.

The day I read Tim Lahaye’s Why You Act the Way You Do, a light bulb went on in my head [and in his too, I might add.] It became obvious that neither of us was trying to drive the other person crazy; we were just acting the way we were wired. Some people are born perfectionists; others, like me, learn to be. Some are born introverts, others, extroverts. In the book, Tim Lahaye suggests that temperament is a combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect our behaviour. He also proposes that temperament influences everything about us such as our eating, shopping and study habits, our driving skills, our handwriting, and even the way we discipline our children.

 I consider this book to be one of the best on temperaments especially because of its simple language and illustrations that help to buttress its points. Those about to wed as well as the already married will find it useful for understanding their partner. Workers will also find it useful for workplace and everyday interactions as the book promotes an understanding of people and how to relate with them. Please feel free to leave your comments after reading.

Do have a wonderful week.

The book Why You Act the Way You Do was written by Tim Lahaye in 1984 and initially published under the title Your Temperament: Discover its Potential. In the book, Tim Lahaye claims that temperament is a combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect our behaviour, and that it influences everything about us such as our eating, shopping and study habits, our driving skills, our handwriting, and even the way we discipline our children.  He identifies four basic temperament types viz;

1.     Sanguine

2.     Choleric

3.     Melancholy

4.     Phlegmatic

Lahaye also lists describes some of the strengths and weaknesses of each:

Temperament	Strength	Weakness
Sanguines	Outgoing, Enthusiastic, Warm And Friendly	Undisciplined And Emotionally Unstable.
Choleric	Determined, Independent, Practical, Visionary.	Cold And Unemotional, Domineering, Unforgiving, Cruel.
Melancholy	Analytical, Self-Sacrificing, Self-Disciplined, Industrious	Moody, Revengeful, Touchy, Critical.
Phlegmatic	Calm, Dependable, Efficient, Humorous	Procrastinator, Indecisive, Unmotivated, Fearful.

 In addition, Tim states that many people do not possess just one temperament, rather, the average person possesses a combination of two or more temperaments. He states and describes twelve blends of temperament in the book, some of which include:

1.     Sanguine-Melancholy: The SanMel is highly emotional and fluctuates drastically. They can laugh hysterically one minute and burst into tears the next. They genuinely feel the grief of others and cannot watch melancholic movies or listen to sad songs without bursting into tears. They however tend to be uninhibited perfectionists and could be quite critical of others.

2.     Choleric-Sanguine: The ChlorSan is quite activity prone and is inclined to be an excellent motivator of people. They are apt to be fearless and exhibit boundless energy. They however tend to be quite hostile, opinionated and manipulative.

3.     Choleric- Phlegmatic: The ChlorPhleg is extremely capable, organized and hard working, even though he/she may not seem that way at first. People usually enjoy working with them because they know where they are going but are not too severe with people. They tend to harbour resentment and bitterness, however, and could be subtly sarcastic and stubborn.

4.     Melancholy-Sanguine: The MelSan is usually gifted in the Arts and has the tendency to become an excellent teacher because of his/her attention to details and good communication skills. They are however prone to mood swings; they could be fantastically happy when things are going well  but severly depressed when things are not going as planned. The MelSan can also be unreasonably critical, idealistic, and hard on others.

5.     Melancholy-Choleric: The MelChlor temperament possesses strong leadership ability, self will and determination. They are perfectionists and pay great attention to details. However, they are extremely difficult people to please, rarely satisfying even themselves. They tend to be nitpickers and usually criticize other people frequently, thus alienating themselves from people.

6.     Phlegmatic- Choleric: The PhlegChlor is easy to get along with and is usually an excellent group leader. This temperament also makes for good counsellors as they have good listening skills and are genuinely interested in other people. However, they are apt to be stubborn and uncooperative if things don’t go as they wish.

Tim Lahaye goes on to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of each temperament and suggests ways of strengthening one’s temperament weakness. Furthermore, he describes vocations that are suitable for each temperament type as well as the behaviour of each temperament in marriage and spiritual affairs.

I find this book to be one of the most comprehensive on the subject of temperaments, and even though there are many other books on the same subject [some of them with complicated names that one is prone to forget after reading], this book remains one of my go-to books when I need to consult on the subject. I recommend this book to individuals interested in learning about their temperament, as well as to couples, parents, teachers and counsellors.