THE THANKFUL CHALLENGE

Happy holidays, everyone.

This is the last week of the year 2016, and to round off the year, I'm issuing a 'Thankful Challenge' to you, dear reader. What are you most thankful for this year? Take time to think about it and share with fellow readers in the comments column below.

Personally, I am grateful for a lot of things, but one thing I am most grateful for this year is the birth of my 'baby'. (And no, I did not give birth to a child this year. I'm referring to the blog.)

For sometime now, I dreamt of having a blog that would add value to people, and in August this year my dream came to pass. For that I am most grateful. I am also grateful for all the readers of the blog, especially those who took the time to comment on my posts at one time or another. Nothing encourages a writer as much as having readers interact with him/her.

So, what are you most grateful for this year? Please share with other readers. Also, to wrap up the year, I'll be putting up the ten most popular posts of all time so readers can have the chance to review their favourite post on the blog.

Do have a wonderful new year.

BOOK REVIEW: THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES BY GARY CHAPMAN

The Five Love Languages is an exciting book written for couples by Dr. Gary Chapman. In the book, Dr Chapman makes the assertion that everyone has a love tank, and that a person’s sense of personal fulfillment is determined by how full the love tank is. He further asserts that a person’s love tank cannot be filled until his or her love language is spoken. The more a spouse’s love tank is filled, the better he/she feels.

Dr Chapman lists the five love languages as:

·        Words of Affirmation

·        Quality Time

·         Gifts

·        Acts of Service

·        Physical Touch

 He theorizes that everyone has a primary love language, and that the onus falls on each person to discover the love language of their spouse as a failure to do so may result in disagreements and lack of understanding. For instance, a man whose primary love language is Acts of Service will be happy when his wife cooks delicious meals, makes the bed, does the laundry, etc. If his wife’s primary love language is Gifts, however, and she often gives her husband gifts while leaving the house in disarray; they are likely to have troubles in the marriage. The wife will feel unappreciated while the husband will feel unloved.

The fact that the book is well illustrated with simple stories further adds to its appeal, and Dr Chapman’s sense of humour is quite refreshing. The book also has other sister love language books, such as:

And, wait for this...

Reading The Five Love Languages will make a person eager to know his / her own love language, and fortunately, a diagnostic tool is included at the end of the book to help readers ascertain their love language. This book is highly recommended for single and married couples.

BOOK REVIEW: NIGHTMARE ACADEMY BY FRANK PERETTI

Nightmare Academy is the story of two teenage twins who, in their attempt to solve a mystery, follow a stranger and find themselves engulfed in a nightmare from which there seems to be no escape. At the start of the book, readers are introduced to a teenager in a hospital, Alvin Rogers, who has lost his mind. Alvin is asked various questions such as ‘what is your name? Where are you from? etc, but all he can reply is: ‘I don’t know’. The doctor is alarmed by his response and the faraway look in his eyes and decides to call Mr Morgan, a private investigator, for help. Mr Morgan then enlists the help of the Springfields [Nate and Sarah together with their twin teen children, Elijah and Elisha] to investigate the case further. Alvin is later murdered in the hospital.

Posing undercover as vagrant teenagers, Elijah and Elisha are offered shelter by a business-like lady named Margaret Jones at a place called Light of Day Youth Shelter. Inside the shelter, they’re given food to eat while conversing with Margaret. She tells them about an academy she thinks they might be interested in- the Knight-Moore academy, which is a free summer camp for teenagers. The twins signal their interest and afterwards start feeling sleepy. They are sent off to bed but wake up the next day in a strange place- Knight-Moore Academy. Meanwhile, their parents who had been following them all night were asked to leave their parking spot by a police officer, so they had to park elsewhere and stay there for the night. By the next day, Light of Day was no longer existing. In its place was a hotel; Dartmoor hotel. The twins had been kidnapped.

At the Academy, the twins meet other teenagers who have also been kidnapped. They are informed that they can do whatever they like but there’s just one catch: they are not allowed to go inside The Mansion. The twins later find out that Alvin was the only person who ever tried to enter the mansion - and was never seen again. They do all they can to leave the Academy but one thing becomes clear as time goes on: it is usually easier to get into a place than to get out of it and only an external intervention can get them out of the Nightmare Academy.

Nightmare Academy is a novel written by Frank Peretti, best-selling author of several books like the Oath, Visitation, Prophet, The Veritas Project, etc.

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE BOOK…

I love it. Not only is the book suspenseful and engaging, it also addresses deep issues and teaches lessons. It’s a very good book for parents who are security conscious; if you have been telling your children to be careful of where they go, where they eat, and whom they talk to, this book will help make your job easier. Parents can get their kids to read the book and ask questions like: what do you think would have happened to Alvin if he had stayed at home, not followed the woman anywhere, not eaten from a stranger, etc. This will ensure that children are not only entertained by the book, but educated as well. 

Also, Frank Peretti makes the case for truth throughout the book, pointing out the fact that without some absolute truths, the person who has the most money, power or influence will decide what is right and wrong in the society. The concluding paragraph as written by Nate Springfield to the president via Morgan sums it pretty well: 

‘…We are a free people because we live according to what we know is Right or Wrong. If Truth is taken from us, then Right and Wrong are taken from us as well. If we don’t know Right and Wrong, then we can’t…control ourselves but will look to someone else to bring order through brute force and raw power. We will be controlled by a tyrant…and don’t count on that tyrant to be kind or merciful. He has no sense of right or wrong, either, and will do to us whatever he wants….The conclusion: take away truth and a tyrant will rule’.

This is a good book for parents who wish to teach their children to be security conscious as well as parents who are interested in starting the morality discourse with their children.

BOOK REVIEW: PIERCING THE DARKNESS

Bacon Elementary School seems to be like any other school except that the school offers non-traditional subjects, such as a curriculum called ‘Finding the Real Me’; where pupils are taught to find their ‘true selves’ by connecting with inner spirit guides and channelling spirits. 

The problem begins when a student, Amber Brandon, transfers from Bacon Elementary School to Good Shepherd Academy. Amber is a ten year old girl with a spirit guide called Amethyst who often exhibits animal characteristics by prancing like a horse and making animal sounds in class. This upsets the school’s headmaster, Tom Harris, who regards Amethyst as a demon; and so one day he attempts to cast the demon out of Amber. 

Amber’s mother is infuriated when she learns of the attempted ‘exorcism’, and she, backed by big organizations like the American Citizens Freedom Association and the National Coalition on Education, files a lawsuit against Good Shepherd Academy. The school hires an attorney, Wayne Corrigan, to represent them in the lawsuit, but what they don’t know is that they are entangled in a conspiracy that is bigger than what they could ever imagine.

 In attempting to gather information that will help them win the case, Tom and Wayne find themselves fighting against forces that are not just physical but spiritual as well. In the race against time, Tom and Wayne discover that the battle is also over spiritual territory, and only with the help of a mysterious woman, Sally Beth Roe, the writer of the ‘Finding the Real Me’ curriculum, can the pieces of the puzzle finally fall into place.

Frank Peretti

 Piercing the darkness is a novel written by Frank Peretti, best-selling author of several books like the Oath, Visitation, Monster, Prophet and The Veritas Project.

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE BOOK…

Love, love, love. This is my favorite book for the moment. While I found it a bit difficult connecting with the first book in this series [This Present Darkness], I was hooked on this book from start to finish. 

If you love suspense, this is the book for you. It will keep you on the edge of your seat-you just can’t wait for Peretti to break the suspense. The story plays out neatly and beautifully and the characters are intricately woven into the story. Peretti is a master of the thriller genre, and I found the book to be quite interesting, entertaining, captivating and engaging.

In addition to being entertaining though, the book contains lessons. First, it serves as a grim reminder to parents to be aware of what’s going on in their children’s school. What subjects are they taking? For non-traditional subjects, what does the curriculum entail? Are your children being taught values that are in line with what you want them to know? Be involved in your child’s school. Know the curriculum.

The book also highlights the need for schools to have a system of checks and balances-Know your students before enrolling them at your school. Extensive detailed information about each student should be obtained where possible as this can save a school in the event of a lawsuit.

I heartily recommend this book to those who are yet to read it, particularly church leaders, parents and educators.

BOOK REVIEW: THIS PRESENT DARKNESS

Something strange is happening in the little town of Ashton. A dark, sinister force is at work. A college professor, Professor Juleen Langstrat, has come to town with some ideas on Eastern mysticism and the New Age religion, and suddenly, the once peaceful town has become rocked with unpleasant occurrences like murder and the expulsion of many of the town’s inhabitants. This makes the local church pray more earnestly while newspaper editor, Marshall Hogan, and his reporter, Bernice Krueger, whose sister died under very mysterious circumstances, try to get to the bottom of the mystery. What they don’t know is that their battle is not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers in the heavenly realm. Marshall and Bernice unearth a series of cataclysmic truths that catapults them into a world of greed, lust and occultism even as angels and demons battle furiously for the life and soul of the town itself.

Frank Peretti

This Present Darkness is a novel written by Frank Peretti, best-selling author of several books like the Oath, Visitation, Prophet, The Veritas Project, etc.

What I love about the book:

The novel makes readers more cognizant of the fact that there’s a spiritual battle going on in the world at any given time. It offers a fascinating glimpse into the world of angels and demons and emphasizes the importance of prayer in a person’s life. The book also projects quite sharply the importance of angels in the life of the Christian and makes the bible verse: ‘For we battle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers’ come alive for the reader.

What is not so good…

I am a great fan of Frank Peretti, however I must admit that I have ambivalent feelings about this book. While I like the way it highlights the spiritual struggle going on in the world today, I must admit that I found some aspects a bit implausible or too convenient; such as the way virtually every enemy of the Universal Consciousness Society in Ashton town was run off the town, and the way Hogan’s wife, Kate, returned to him at the end of the story. It was just too easy. 

I also wish some parts of the story were more developed. For instance, providing background details about Juleen Langstrat and what led up to her becoming steeped in the occult would have helped readers understand her character better.  Also, one gets the feeling that Peretti was trying to focus on too many things at once- at a point one has to wonder if the story is about angels and demons or about a man almost having an affair with his newspaper reporter.  Peretti also almost failed to deliver the punch line, thank God this finally happened towards the end of the book.

In the end though, these flaws are forgivable when you remember that this was Peretti’s first published novel for adults; especially seeing as his other books like Oath and Visitation were more plausible and interesting. While I will not recommend this book to someone who has never read any of Peretti’s books, for those who are used to his style of writing, read on-you just might like it better than I did.

IN PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE: OVERCOMING THE OBSTACLES ON YOUR PATH

Nineteen year old D was ecstatic when she saw her result. Distinction in the West African School Certificate! What a wonderful result! Things began happening in quick succession after that. D received a scholarship to the University, where she decided to study Pharmacy. Being a scholar by nature, she refused to stop at first degree level, choosing instead to study Pharmacy up to the post-graduate level. She eventually became a lecturer in a university as well as a consultant to many reputable organizations and government agencies.

Life, however, was not all rosy for D. At a point, her diabetic sister became ill and died of a fake insulin injection. This tragic incident was one of the turning points in D’s life, and years later when she began her crusade against fake drugs, some would look back on the incident as the catalyst for her actions. D, of course, is no other person than the late Professor Dora Akunyili, former Minister of Information in Nigeria and once Director-General of National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC).

Many Nigerians are familiar with the state of the pharmaceutical industry before the advent of Dora Akunyili. At the time, fake food and drugs, both local and international, flooded the markets and for some reason the then NAFDAC chairman seemed to find it difficult controlling the influx of these fake items into the market. The question seemed to be: ‘Who will bell the cat?’

However, on being appointed Director-General of NAFDAC, Dora immediately began the herculean task of sanitizing the Food and Pharmaceutical Industry in Nigeria. This did not come as an easy task and she soon made enemies. On Friday, December 26, 2003, an assassination attempt was made on her life and the silver bullet narrowly missed her hairline due to the headgear on her head. All this did not deter Dora. She knew she had enemies but she continued her crusade against fake food and drugs. Because of her courage, tenacity and productivity, she received numerous national and International awards such as the Integrity Award by Transparency International [2003]and the African Cultural Institute’s Icon of Excellence Award [2005]. She was also honoured by TIME magazine, New York, in 2005 as one of the 18 heroes of our time. 

Dora conferred with the Harmony Award by Planet Africa television, Canada.

The Oxford Dictionary defines excellence as ‘the quality of being outstanding or extremely good’. Excellence is a word that is bandied about by all and sundry, with the majority claiming to adore the virtue. However, a quick look at what is happening in workplaces and even the country at large shows that many people are merely paying lip service to excellence as a virtue as mediocrity seems to be the order of the day. 

Basically, there are three kinds of people in the world viz:

1.      People who are mediocre and who hate getting out of their comfort zone

2.      People who wish to be excellent but are discouraged by the obstacles around them.

3.      People who love excellence and who have overcome major obstacles in their path, in their quest to achieve excellence.

This post is aimed at the second type of people, those who are pursuing excellence but who are discouraged in that pursuit. Just like Dora Akunyili, you may find yourself working in a field, an environment or an organization where no one cares about doing right, mediocrity seems to be the order of the day. In trying to implement policies that lead to excellence in such organizations, note that you may go through the following process as outlined by Mahatma Gandhi;

Stage 1: The Ignoring stage: Other members of the organization may ignore your efforts in the hope that you will one day get frustrated and give up. 

Stage 2:The Laughing stage. At this point, you’re beginning to get the attention of the mediocres. They’re still a bit unsure of your capabilities and are thinking ‘just how capable is this man or woman’? They may decide to shake you up a little bit by laughing at you and ridiculing you, hoping to damage your confidence and self-esteem.

Stage 3:The Fighting stage. Now, you’ve gotten everyone’s full attention. The mediocres hate you at this point. You’re more than a fly on their wall; you’re like an irritating fly that refuses to go away. At this stage, mediocre minds fight tooth and nail to frustrate excellent minds chiefly because they cannot stand the fact that someone else was determined and courageous enough to succeed where they failed. This is a critical time for those who love excellence. It is the point at which loyalties are tested, and I must also add that this is the loneliest time for many excellent minds. Betrayals occur at this stage as some people who were regarded as friends may turn out to be enemies in disguise. Sad to say, some excellent minds give up at this stage as they can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, so to speak. 

Stage 4: The Winning stage. Excellent minds that hold on to their convictions despite the opposition will finally get to savour the sweet smell of victory. Oh la la. At this point, all sorrows are forgotten, and those who said ‘You can’t do it’ will end up saying ‘I knew you could do it all along’

In conclusion, the pathway to excellence is not an easy one, rather it is one that is fraught with obstacles and dangers… and filled with happiness as well. Dora Akunyili died of cancer in 2014, but her courage and accomplishments will never be forgotten, and wherever the history of the Pharmaceutical Industry in Nigeria is told, her name will always be mentioned. If you are presently facing challenges in your quest for excellence, keep calm, be courageous and remain tenacious. In the end, you will win.

QUOTE FROM MARGARET THATCHER

This is one of my favorite quotes, and I particularly like it because it is applicable in all facets of life.

For example: in your office, if you have to constantly remind your staff that you're the boss, then you most likely aren't.

At home, if you constantly tell your wife: 'I'm the man!', hmm.....are you really sure you are? 

NOTE: Leadership is influence. A true leader doesn't have to proclaim it, it surrounds him / her like an aura. Work at increasing your leadership ability, then you won't need to announce it, it will speak for itself.

Love Gone Wrong [3]: The Case Of The Incorrigible Liar.

Adesua*, a beautiful university graduate, left Edo State to stay with her uncle in Lagos pending when she would be called up for the National Youth Service Corps [N.Y.S.C]. While in Lagos, she met a businessman named Tega* and it was love at first sight for the two of them. A whirlwind courtship began and Tega soon began to pressurize her to do her Youth Service in Lagos so that they could be close to each other. He made a lot of promises to her, telling her that they would get married before the end of the year and that he would give her the best life had to offer.

A month to Youth Service, Adesua decided to pay Tega a visit. She left her uncle’s house very early that morning so as to beat the traffic and arrived at Tega’s house before noon. On getting there, she was surprised to enter a room with nothing but a travelling bag, some photo albums, a mat and a small colour television. Shocked, she looked at Tega who returned her gaze sheepishly. It was then the truth came out - he began to tell her how he once had a flourishing business but due to certain misfortunes, hard times  had set in and things were no longer the same. He however was looking up to God for a change in fortune. Adesua was stunned. When asked how he intended to get money to pay her dowry and start their family, he replied ‘God will provide’. Needless to say, they broke up that month.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to lie is to say or write something that is not true in other to deceive someone. Most of us have had experience with liars, and many of us have even lied to one person or another at some point in our lives. Liars are encountered everywhere: at home, in the office, in places of worship, etc, however, for the purpose of this post I will focus on lying within the context of a romantic relationship.

Generally, there are two kinds of liars viz; chronic liars and situational liars. A chronic liar is a person who has made lying a habit and is addicted to it while a situational liar is a person who does not lie except under certain circumstances. When dealing with a lying partner, it is important to discern if he or she is a chronic liar or a situational liar as that will determine the appropriate course of action to follow.

Reasons for lying

There are many reasons why a person may lie to their partner, but four major reasons are:

1.      To get one’s own way. Some partners lie when they want to obtain something or get their own way, and they feel that saying the truth will not help their cause.

2.      For self-preservation. A partner who is guilty of wrongdoing may lie as a form of self-preservation; to avoid the feeling of guilt or shame that comes as result of admitting wrongdoing. Such partners will keep insisting on their innocence even when evidence points to the contrary.

3.      Fear. A partner may lie to their better half if they are afraid of the consequences of saying the truth. Such fear could arise either because of the other partner’s temper or temperament, or because of how that partner has handled the truth in the past.

4.      For altruistic reasons. Some people refuse to tell their partner the truth because they think their partner will feel better hearing a lie than facing the truth. Unfortunately, the partner they hoped to impress eventually becomes depressed when the truth is finally revealed.

 It is important to note that a person can lie by commission or by omission. A person is said to lie by commission if he or she actually uttered an untrue statement while lying by omission occurs if a person says most of the truth but leaves out some facts for the purpose of promoting a certain misconception. Some people try to downplay lying by omission saying that as long as they did not actually utter a lie, there’s no harm done. Nothing could be further from the truth. The painful fact is that whether a partner lies by commission or omission, harm has been done to the other partner.

CONSEQUENCES OF LYING TO A PARTNER

Lying to a loved one comes with its own consequences, some of which include:

·         Lack of trust: The partner who has been lied to usually finds it difficult to trust the lying partner afterwards.

·         Anger on the part of the partner who was lied to.

·         Feelings of guilt on the part of the lying partner

·         Breakdown in communication stemming from a lack of trust. When a partner is regarded as a chronic liar, the other partner will find it difficult discussing significant issues with him or her since there are no expectations of honesty from the lying partner.

Other consequences of lying to a loved one include: separation, divorce, and even death. Consider the case of Busayo*, a successful accountant married to a banker named Tola*. Busayo and Tola met at a mutual friend’s wedding party and from there they struck up a relationship. Busayo soon noticed that Tola was a habitual liar, however, because she did not want to disappoint her parents and since she also felt that she was getting past the childbearing age, she decided to continue the relationship with the hope that Tola would change.

They got married a year later but Tola still remained the chronic liar that he was. The final straw that broke the camel’s back was when their only son, Bayo*, began to fall sick frequently. A visit to the doctor confirmed that Bayo had the sickle cell gene. Busayo was stunned as she knew she had the AS genotype and Tola the AA genotype; however, Bayo’s test result caused Tola to reveal the truth that he also was AS like Busayo; he had lied about his genotype because he wanted to marry Busayo at all costs. Bayo died a year later, and Busayo and Tola went their separate ways.

[*names and some parts of the actual story have been changed to protect identity]

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH AN INCORRIGIBLE LIAR

1.      Find out why he/she lies. Is it for self-preservation, to spare your feelings and avoid hurting you, or out of habit? Knowing why your partner lies will determine your course of action regarding the issue. Also, ask yourself the following question and honestly answer it:

 ‘Do I make it easy for my partner to be honest with me, or do I scream bloody murder when he/she tells me the truth’?

Ironically, some partners lie to their better halves because of the drama that ensues whenever they speak the truth. Strange but true.

2.      Talk to your partner about it. Never tire of telling your partner the importance of being truthful, number one reason being that it helps foster trust between the two of you and also encourages honest communication. Even if it may seem as though your words are not making an impact, be rest assured that you are sowing a seed in your partner’s heart- a seed that has a good chance of germinating.

3.      Check your behaviour. As important as it is to talk to your lying partner, be sure to avoid nagging or cantankerous behaviour as this may further encourage lying. Be as calm and composed as possible when confronting a lying partner.

4.      Show appreciation. This may sound strange but it works. If your partner is trying his [or her] best to be truthful, encourage him! Note the times when he tells the truth and comment on it-sometimes. Let him know that you appreciate his truthfulness.

5.      Pray about it. Sometimes a chronic liar may find it difficult to stop lying even with all the measures you have put in place. At this point, he or she needs Divine Intervention urgently. Ask for the fear of God to come upon your lying partner, that he or she may speak the truth not just out of love for you, but more importantly, because of love for, and fear of God.

6.      If the lying partner proves to be incorrigible, reconsider the relationship. This is especially crucial for those who have not yet tied the knot. While certain vices may be tolerated in a would-be spouse, lying is not a vice to be easily ignored as its consequences are serious and could even be life-threatening.

Do you have an experience you would like to share about a stalker, a jealous lover or a chronic liar; or any comment at all that you would like to make? Please feel free to do so in the comment section below.

Love Gone Wrong [2]: The Anatomy of the Jealous Lover

Ali and Hauwa had been dating for about two years with plans to get married the following year. One nagging doubt kept gnawing at Hauwa though- she wasn't sure she could cope with Ali’s jealous streak. Despite the fact that he knew she loved him and had never given him cause to doubt her faithfulness, he still found it difficult keeping his cool whenever he saw her speaking with another man. She had spoken to her counselor about it but had been advised to take it in her stride, after all, no one is perfect. Hauwa accepted her counselor’s advice until the unthinkable happened.

It started on a fateful Saturday afternoon. Ali and Hauwa had gone for a mutual friend’s birthday party which held at a private beach; and while there, Hauwa ran into her former fiancé, James, whom she had ended up not marrying because of ethnic differences. Though excited at seeing James, Hauwa could not chat with him as much as she would have wanted due to her fear of Ali's jealousy. Sometime later, Ali abruptly told her that it was time to go as he had other things to do. She argued with him a bit as the party was not yet in full swing but finally gave in and went to the car. As he was about driving off, she remembered that she had forgotten her phone at a drinks stand and so came down to get her phone. While at the stand, she was accosted by James who insisted on saying a few things to her. The last thing Hauwa remembered before she blacked out was Ali’s angry voice screaming at her for being a whore, a hot slap across her face, and his hands on her neck trying to strangle her.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to be jealous is to feel angry or unhappy because someone you love or like is showing interest in someone else. At the onset of a relationship, it is usually flattering to see one’s partner showing signs of possessiveness; however, it does not take long for a feeling of terror to take over especially when the possessiveness seems to be bordering on obsession.

That being said, does this mean that jealousy is always a negative emotion to be avoided? Not at all. As a matter of fact, a healthy dose of jealousy is important for any relationship, and to say that you love a person but never feel jealous over him or her is like saying that you graduated from university without taking any exam. The only question the listener can ask is: ‘How is that even possible?’ Note that even the Sovereign Lord in the Holy Scriptures referred to Himself as a ‘Jealous God’, showing that jealousy is not always an unhealthy emotion. 

So, want to find out just how jealous you are? Then take the quiz below:

QUIZ: HOW JEALOUS ARE YOU?

Instruction: Circle the option that most applies to you and check the scorecard below when you're done with the quiz. 

1.      Your partner’s phone rings and she doesn’t want to pick the call. You:

a. don’t think much of the matter, she just may not be in the mood.

b. ask her why she doesn’t want to pick the call and take action based on her answer

c. thrust the phone into her hand and demand that she answer the call in your presence

2.      Your partner meets his ex at a social event. You:

a.  say ‘hi’ to her and move on to other greet other people

b. say ‘hi’ to her and surreptitiously watch your partner throughout the event to see if he’ll try to rekindle their relationship

c.  stay a few minutes at the event and tell your partner to take you home immediately

3.      You’re aware that your partner is active on social media such as Facebook. You:

a. refuse to send her a friend request on Facebook, after all, what’s the big deal?

b. add her on Facebook and occasionally go through her posts

c. add her on Facebook and begin to monitor all her posts on the site

4.      When your partner leaves his phone around you, you:

a.  ignore it and go about your business

b. go through his phone messages and ask him about any suspicious messages

c. begin to transfer every text and social media message from his phone to yours

5.      You and your partner decide to be honest with each other about your past relationships. While she is talking about her exes, you:

a. eagerly listen without emotion and then begin to regale her with tales of your past escapades

b. listen to her and try to ascertain if she has gotten over the relationships

c. feel jealous and become moody throughout the day

6.      Your partner is not yet home from work at 9pm. You:

a. don’t feel worried at all, after all, he’s an adult

b. feel worried that all is not well and place a call to him

c.  keep imagining that he must be cheating on you right at that moment

7.      An attractive man passes by you and your partner and she comments on how handsome he is. You:

a.  laugh about it and ask if she wants you to link them up.

b. smile and joke about you being the most handsome man in the world.

c. become enraged and inform her that she has just insulted you.

8.      You and your partner attend the same church and one day you stumble upon him holding a lady in his arms. You:

a. don’t think much about it; perhaps a counselling session is going on.

b. say nothing there but later ask him about it and watch his body signals.

c. scream at the two of them and make a scene in church

9.      You go to a restaurant with your partner and excuse yourself to use the restroom. On your way back you notice a guy talking to your partner. You:

a. say ‘hello’ to him and wait for him to go away before resuming your conversation

b. say ‘hello’ and later ask your partner what the guy wanted

c. begin to scream invectives at your partner and accuse her of being a whore

10.  You notice that your partner frequently talks about a particular girl. You:

a.       think nothing of it, she’s just an acquaintance of his

b.      ask him to be careful not to fall in love with her.

c.       command him to stop seeing her immediately

HOW TO SCORE YOURSELF

For every time you tick option ‘a’, give yourself 1 point. Option ‘b’; 2 points and option ‘c’; 3 points.

SCORECARD

10- 15 points: Your jealousy quotient is way too low. You need to find out if you truly love that person or merely feel a brotherly/sisterly affection towards them.

16-24 points: Your jealousy quotient is quite okay, however, be careful that you don’t take your partner for granted or become too possessive.

25-30 points: You are way too jealous and possessive. You must learn to trust your partner and give him or her the benefit of doubt or else you risk losing your partner.

As has been stated above, there is nothing wrong with being possessive of your partner. As a matter of fact, where true love exists, so does jealousy. The problem arises when jealousy becomes uncontrollable, as is the case with so many people.

A partner may be an extremely jealous person due to certain reasons such as  poor self-esteem issues, bad experiences in past relationships, etc.

 Jealousy can be toxic to a relationship. It usually drives a rift between partners and often makes the other partner feel choked and emotionally drained in the relationship. It is also bad for the health as the jealous partner will find himself or herself experiencing anger, anxiety and depression regularly.

As ironic as this may sound, note that jealousy often serves to further drive your partner into someone else’s arms, so before you erupt in anger over your partner’s seeming attachment to someone else, take time to consider the following question:

Has your partner ever cheated on you in the past or given you cause to doubt their fidelity? If yes, then you may want to reconsider the relationship or else sentence yourself to a life of playing detective. If no, then you just may need to relax and avoid making mountains out of molehills.

Tips for handling jealousy

1.      Have realistic expectations about your relationship.

  Some people often innocently assume that their partner can never be attracted to someone else. This is a false assumption. Knowledge of the fact that men are generally stimulated by what they see and women by what they hear should alert everyone to the possibility of their partner being attracted to a more attractive or mentally stimulating person. The problem should not lie in the fact that your partner is attracted to someone else but that he or she hid the attraction from you or even worse, acted on it. This is why it is so important for couples to be honest with each other to the point of actually telling each other of their attraction to a third person-if it ever happens. The only problem is…it is difficult to be honest with a partner who is prone to jealousy over little issues, isn’t it?

2.      Identify the jealousy triggers

    What usually triggers jealousy in you? Does it happen when your partner is talking with a more attractive person or engaging in flirtatious behaviour? Is it caused by a certain person in your partner’s life? Once you have identified the triggers, this should lead to the next step, which is…

3.      Have an honest discussion with your partner.

  If your fits of jealousy has been negatively affecting your relationship, I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your partner. Let him or her know what triggers jealousy on your part and how you are making attempts to work on yourself for the sake of the relationship. You may both need to arrive at a compromise, but once again be realistic in your expectations. If, for example, you are jealous of the relationship between your partner and a colleague at work, it is quite unrealistic and even unhelpful to ask your partner not to speak to that person anymore. Doing so may further serve to drive your partner closer to that person. It may be more realistic to ask your partner to maintain a strictly professional relationship with that colleague and avoid communication on a personal level.

4.      Work on your self-esteem. 

    It is very important for every individual to have a good sense of self worth. This reduces the tendency to be over-dependent on your partner or obsessed with them. One major source of self-esteem is knowing who you are in Christ. Other sources are having a strong bond with family and friends and being fulfilled in your life’s work. Know that these will not totally eliminate feelings of jealousy on your part; however they will make you more secure in your own strengths and less possessive of your partner.

Watch out for the concluding part of this series: 

Love Gone Wrong 3: The Case of the Incorrigible Liar.