BEFORE YOU SAY ‘I DO’: TEN TYPES OF PARTNERS TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT

Are you thinking of saying 'I Do' to that man or woman but you are bothered by certain traits in the person? Read on to find out if your fears are justified or if you are making much ado about nothing.

BEFORE YOU SAY ‘I DO’: TEN TYPES OF PARTNERS TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT

1.       THE VIOLENT / OVERLY AGGRESSIVE PARTNER: Professional counsellors are taught not to make decisions for people, but this is one case where I have to make an exception. If you have a fiancé/fiancée who is physically abusing you, you should know your life is at stake. Please ask your partner to get counselling and stay away from him/her in the meantime. Also, if your intended spouse often shows signs of aggression such as threatening to hit you or frequently abusing you verbally, consider the fact that you could become their punching bag when you both get married thus putting your life at risk. Whilst other weaknesses may be tolerated in a partner, physical abuse should not be tolerated under any circumstance because of the risk of death for the abused person.

2.       THE VAIN PARTNER: Some people are born extroverts and love to be around people, however watch out if your would-be spouse is a sucker for attention and a people-pleaser. This is because all manner of things could spring up after marriage, for instance the vain partner may prefer to spend more time with friends than family. He or she may also frequently make jokes at your expense and may even engage in affairs just to massage their ego. So what should you do if your partner seems to be too charming for your comfort? First, be observant. If you notice that it is mostly harmless behaviour, let it slide, after all, no one is perfect. If, however, you feel that the behaviour is unacceptable, talk to him/her about it and if there is still no change, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

3.       THE ALOOF PARTNER:  Some people are fortunate enough to be accepted by their intended spouse’s family before marriage; for others, however, it’s a different story. If your family has accepted your would-be spouse and yet the person seems to be aloof and does not readily mix up with your family members, it could be a problem in the future. You must try to find out the reason for the aloofness. Is the aloof partner simply an introvert, or does the person secretly disdain members of your family for certain reasons such as personality differences, financial or educational status, etc? Note that if this is not sorted out before marriage, a person may find himself or herself in the dilemma of having to choose between spouse or family in the near or distant future.

4.       THE SELFISH PARTNER: Some people are selfish and think life is all about them. If you find yourself about to be married to a person who thinks everything is all about him/ her and who frequently refuses to consider your feelings, consider life as it will be if you eventually marry that person. Can you live with a headstrong partner? Note though that some selfish people have learned selflessness in marriage while others became even more selfish. It depends on how well the other partner plays their card.

5.       THE SECRETIVE PARTNER: If your intended spouse is secretive and doesn’t allow you go through their phone or computer at will, you should be at red alert as it could mean a number of things. For one, the person could be a flirt and as such is not comfortable with you going through their phone or computer. The person could also be involved in shady or risky business like blackmail, drugs, etc. As I have stated in one of my previous posts on relationships, if your partner is not comfortable with you going through their phone or computer; have  a plan B or be ready for unpleasant surprises in the future.

6.       THE OVERLY POSSESSIVE, CONTROLLING OR OBSESSED PARTNER: Many people like it when their fiance/fiancee loves them to the extent of sometimes being possessive and jealous; however those emotions can sometimes be taken to the extreme thus becoming dangerous to both parties.

If you have to fill a form stating the details of the conversation every time your fiancé/fiancée sees you talking to someone else, you will need to consider carefully if you can afford to be a prisoner in your own house when you do marry because that is what it will feel like after marriage. Provided you have never given your intended spouse cause for concern as to your fidelity, he/she should trust you to a large extent and allow you freedom to relate with others. The obsessed partner will not only ‘catch a grenade’ for his beloved, he will also throw a grenade at anyone he sees talking to his partner, even if the talk is innocuous. Beware of such partners, your life and the life of others could be at risk if you do marry.

7.       I-DON’T-CARE PARTNER: It is good for individuals to have a sense of independence apart from each other; however watch out if you seem to be the one showering all the love in the relationship. If your would-be spouse seems not to care about the relationship and does not genuinely love you, warning bells should ring in your head. Such an attitude is not good for marriage and spells doom for the relationship in the future. If you find yourself in this situation, wait for things to change before you get married or else consider getting a new partner.  

8.       THE LOW-SELF ESTEEM PARTNER: Some people battle with their self esteem all through their life and for certain reasons find it difficult to love themselves or other people for that matter. If you are about to marry someone who constantly needs assurances of your love and/or fidelity, you must know that it is not an easy baggage to carry. Life is complicated enough as it is, having to deal with an insecure partner makes it even more complicated. Try to get to the root of the matter before you say “I do”. What caused the low self- esteem in the first place - was he/she rejected by family, friends, peer group, etc? Some spouses have found themselves sacrificing too much just to please an insecure partner. You may need to see a counsellor in extreme cases to avoid being behind bars – right in your own home.

9.       PARTNER WHO IS A ‘MOMMY’S-BOY’: Women by nature are attached to their family even after marriage; however it is an anomaly for a grown man to find it difficult to take decisions without ‘mommy’s consent’. If a woman is about to marry a man who likes to obtain his mother’s permission before taking decisions, she must consider if she is ready for a life of ‘Yes mommy, No mommy, Anything you say, mommy’.  While this is not an attempt to downplay a mother’s role in her son’s life, it is still necessary to emphasize the fact that at a certain point in man’s life he must grow confident enough to take certain decisions even without his parents’ input. Parents also must be confident that they have trained their son well and so trust him to make decisions with his new wife. Without this confidence, the intended couple are sure to face strife if they do get married.

10.   THE OVER-COMMITTED PARTNER: It is good for an individual to be committed to a good cause such as a career or religious activities; however, like they say, too much of everything is bad, and that sometimes includes good things. Every company and religious house likes to have dedicated [if not over-committed] workers, but if you intend to marry someone who is more dedicated to work or religious activities than to family, you need to sit down and have a word with the person about it. This is especially important if you love children and wish that you and your partner be always available to them. Discuss with your partner and try to work out how the family dynamics will play out. If in the course of your conversation you discover that your intended is not as dedicated to family as you are, then you will need to decide if you love him/her enough to cope with their frequent absenteeism, or if you need a new partner.

There you have it. My list of the top ten traits to be concerned about in a soon-to-be spouse. Do you have any trait that you would like to add or any observation on the afore-mentioned traits? Please feel free to comment below or email me at keepingitrealwithlaurettaani@gmail.com.