Welcome to Lauretta Ani's Blog: BOOK OF THE WEEK: THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF TEENAGERS By Gary Chapman

Hello people.

A curious incident happened once when I was in secondary school. A rather old and not-so-good looking woman came to visit a fellow student, and the student in question remarked that the woman was her aunt or something like that. It was later we got to know that the woman was actually her mother, but the student, being ashamed of her mother’s looks, could not bear to tell other students that the woman was her mother. It was an unforgettable incident at the time but as time went on, I forgot about it until recently, when certain events roused the memory of the incident.

As a school counsellor, I get to hear and observe a lot of things relating to teens and their families; however, one thing strikes me the most in all this; and that is how parents can love their teens so much and yet the teens in question do not feel that they are loved by their parents. One may think that this happens only in homes with too-strict parents but surprisingly, even teenagers whose parents have a laissez-faire approach to parenting still find it difficult sometimes to believe their parents love them. You don’t have to be particularly clairvoyant to know this…When you see a teen denying the parent who struggled to put him or her through school or a teen desperately seeking for attention from fellow teens despite the fact that he or she enjoys a close relationship with one or both parents, it’s a clear sign that a miscommunication occurred somewhere along the line between the teen and his or her parent(s).

So the question is, how do parents love their teens in such a way that the teenager knows that he or she is loved? Is it by having a laissez-faire approach to parenting? Is it by being strict, or by shouting ‘I love you’ until the teen turns deaf? Therein lies the subject of today’s blog post: a review of the book: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman.

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers was first written by Dr. Gary Chapman in the year 2000 and revised in 2005 and 2010. In the book, Gary suggests that at the root of much teenage misbehaviour is an empty love tank. He opines that it’s not that parents don't love their teens, but that many teens don't feel that love.

Gary points out the consequences of teenagers feeling unloved, saying that when a teenager's love tank is empty, he thinks that no one really cares about him/her. As a result, motivation for learning is dissipated based on the premise that no one cares if he or she does well at school, anyway. He also stresses that an empty love tank affects the teen's ability to empathize with others and quotes a saying by James Gabarino: Emotionally needy boys who are rejected by parents and teachers are prime targets for antisocial older youths and adults.

Gary lists and describes the five love languages of teens as:

· Words of Affirmation: He posits that all teens need affirmation but some need it more than others. He encourages parents to learn to praise for effort, not necessarily for perfection.

· Physical Touch: Dr Chapman states here that some teens love hugs, wrestling, etc. He however advises parents to do it with tact and also takes the opportunity to tackle the issue of sexual abuse in this chapter.

· Quality Time: Gary declares that this is the most difficult love language to speak and explains that quality time is not mere proximity, rather, parents really need to be there. He exhorts parents to make the teen feel that he or she is more important than events. He finally suggests ways of having quality conversations with teenagers; for example, don't multitask when conversing with your teen.

· Acts of service: Parenting is a service oriented task according to Dr Chapman, however, some teens appreciate such acts more than other teens. He declares that statements like “I will drive you to your friend's house if you will clean your room” is not an act of service but a trade by barter. He describes a rule of thumb regarding acts of service: do for teens what they cannot do for themselves. For example, he says that parents should wash their cloths for them when they're young, but teach them to wash it themselves as they grow older. This makes the teen learn independence.

· Gifts: Gary explains that while gift-giving is what makes some teens feel loved, a gift is not a gift if it is given for service rendered. For example, if a parent buys a dress for their teen because he or she did house chores, the dress is not a gift but payment for service rendered. He further educates parents on how to give the gift of money effectively and exhorts parents to consider their teen's interest before giving a gift so as to avoid giving a gift that will not be appreciated.

Dr Chapman goes on to explain how a teen's love language can be discovered and emphasizes that no matter what a teen's love language is, he or she needs to receive love in all the languages. Quoting Ambrose Bierce who said: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret,” Gary suggests ways of managing anger, saying that one word spoken by a parent in anger can undo acts of love. Personally, I must say that I’m not sure I agree with some of his submissions on anger management as they do seem a bit too formulaic and slightly unworkable, at least in an African context. Despite this, though, this is definitely a very useful and must-read book for parents and adults working with teenagers. Other must-read books by Gary Chapman include: