DATING, COURTSHIP AND WEDDING NIGHT BLUES

Ade and Bose were sweethearts while in the university, but one day, Ade hurt Bose by unintentionally embarrassing her in front of his friends. Bose became very angry and refused to talk to Ade even after he apologised to her. He stood under her window for days enduring the heat of the sun as well as a heavy downpour, still Bose refused to accept his apology. He eventually decided to get more creative.

One day he disguised himself as a security man, stole into Bose’s apartment, cut off the electricity supply and crept back downstairs. Bose called out to the security man to fix the light, Ade entered the room, restored the power and voila! there was the word ‘SORRY’ displayed somewhere in the clouds…

Story sound familiar? Well, it should if you are a regular viewer of the romance stations ZeeWorld or Telemundo. Many soap operas, novels, and magazines like to paint an idealistic picture of romance and marriage but in today’s post I would like to give what I call ‘Common Sense Tips on Dating, Courtship and Marriage. Here are the tips, in no particular order.

1.       Now that you are dating, it is assumed that you are in touch with yourself and that you know what you want in a relationship. Keep being yourself. Be real. Let your partner see you as you really are, with your strengths and weaknesses - this will help them decide whether they can live with your weaknesses. Also, always keep in mind: A broken relationship is always better than a broken marriage, so do not allow yourself to be pressured into thinking you must do all you can to preserve the relationship even when it’s clear that it can’t work.

2.       Do not start what you cannot sustain; for instance, if you do not have a car and you use the public system of transportation, do not frequently ask your date to come in a cab to see you with the promise of paying for the cab when she gets to your house- you know you cannot sustain it when you get married. Be real; sometimes ask her to use the bus or else don’t be upset if she begins to ask you for money to buy expensive luxuries. It’s not her fault-you gave her the impression that there’s excess money in the economy.

3.       Get to know the person you are dating- his/her mindset, beliefs and behavioural pattern. Some religious groups frown on the couple visiting each other or being alone during courtship in an effort to prevent sex before marriage. While the motive is admirable, it must be stated that not knowing one’s partner is a major cause of strife in marriage. I advocate visiting each other while dating as going to a person’s house reveals a lot of things about the person. When a woman visits a man, for instance, she is able to deduce many things the man may not have revealed, chief among them being the man’s true financial ability as well as his personal organization [or lack of it].  Going on outings alone as well as with other people helps you understand how your partner thinks as well as their dreams for the future. It also helps you decide if you want to be a part of that future.

Be wary of advice from well-intended people; advice such as: ‘Meet only in church [or in pastor’s house], under the watchful eyes of sister/brother so-and-so’. While such advice may be given with good intentions, it is no longer appropriate for the world we live in. In the past, all a religious woman wanted was a God-fearing husband who could provide for her financial needs, while all a religious man wanted was a God-fearing woman who would bear him children; but now people are wiser and they know that godliness and other characteristics like intellectual compatibility, emotional maturity, mental stability, etc, are necessary if marriage is to work, and it is difficult to assess these other characteristics if all you discuss with your date are Bible/Koran verses.

4.       Communication: It is important that you feel free to communicate with your intended partner about anything at all if you plan to get married to him/her. If certain conversations are out of bounds between the two of you, you might want to reconsider your choice of life partner. If your date flares up easily when you ask or talk about certain things, watch out! It may be a warning sign that all is not well. Also, one idea being promoted by some people is that it is inappropriate to check your potential partner’s phone. What balderdash! As a matter of fact, if your intended partner constantly hides his/her phone from you, it’s a huge sign that something is wrong. He [or she] may be having unresolved issues from the past that he doesn’t want you to know about so if you’re in that situation, I encourage you to ask your date what he could possibly not want you to see on the phone. If no convincing answers are given, mentally pack your bags and be ready to flee, or else prepare for some unpleasant surprises in the near or distant future.

QUESTIONS SINGLES ASK:

Q: What if you discover that the guy you’re dating is cheating on you, but you love him so much [or you really want to get married this year] that you are finding it difficult to leave him?

A: There are two sides to this coin. On one hand you could go on to marry him, but ask yourself: What if you marry him and he continues cheating on you? What will you do? Will you: (a) Start calling and threatening his other lovers (b) Turn a blind eye and pretend not to notice his cheating ways (c) Inform him that you are aware he is cheating you, and ask him to make sure he doesn’t bring STDs home?

          On the other hand, it is possible that after marrying you, he just might change and never cheat on you again [ahem! Sorry, just a cough]

     Either way, a person must know exactly what they are getting into if they decide to marry a known cheat, and they must face the fact that a cheating partner may never change their ways even in marriage so if you can cope, then so be it .

Q: What if your intended partner is prone to violence?

A: Know this: a person who hits you while you are still dating will definitely hit you after marriage. Some women try to make excuses for violent men by saying things like: ‘If the woman was a good woman, her husband would not have hit her’. What a statement! Many educators advocate that corporal punishment should not be administered on children; instead they should be disciplined through other means. Now, if it is considered inappropriate to physically discipline children, how then can beating an adult be acceptable? The onus here is on men and women to know who they are and to know their rights, as well as to stop seeing singleness as a curse. Believe me it is much better to be single than to live in the same house with a wife beater, a cheat, or a nagging woman.

Q: What if you don’t want to have sex in the relationship, but your date says ‘no sex, no relationship’, or ‘if you don’t give me sex I’ll get it elsewhere’; what should you do?

A: I always advise singles to be wary of anybody who gives the above ultimatum because of the deeper issues involved. If you are considering marrying a person who cannot do without sex in a relationship, ask yourself: ‘what if something happens to me, for instance, I undergo a surgery, and the Doctor asks me not to have sex for a month. What will this person do? Can he/she stay without sex for a month, or should I kiss goodbye to marital fidelity?’ Personally I advise singles to make sure they date someone who is sexually disciplined [as well as being sexually disciplined themselves]. Life is not all about sex, and to think otherwise is to make oneself a slave to bodily passions.

Q: How close should I get to my intended partner’s family?

A: Family is very important. When dating a man or woman, make every effort to get to know their family members and see how he/she interacts with them. One important thing to look out for is the respect [or lack of respect] that exists in the family. Note: If your date is respected by his or her family members, chances are that they will respect you too, but if they look down on him/her, chances are high that they will disdain you as well. Also watch out for the way he presents you to them. Does he present you like the Queen of his heart or like the maid of the house? Does he protect you or does he throw you to the wolves each time you go to his family house? All these things are pointers to the kind of family you may be marrying into.

WEDDING NIGHT BLUES

Q: What should a virgin expect on the wedding night?

A: If you are a virgin on your wedding night or you’re someone who has been celibate for years, congratulations. I will not say too much on this for many reasons but suffice to say: Sex for the first time is a bit painful for many females, but it gets better after the first time. Wear sexy lingerie on your wedding night, play blues to set the mood and celebrate with a little wine if you do drink- but not too much and certainly not on an empty stomach so you don’t end up drunk or with a pounding headache.

Q: Should I read erotica or watch porn to spice up my sex life?

A: As a matter of principle, I do not encourage porn or erotica as they tend to mess with one’s mind and encourage unrealistic fantasies. Some people say reading/viewing such helps one get in the mood or learn various sex positions. I say: if you want to get in the mood, eat okra, it helps to boost a person’s sex drive [and I’m not kidding]. As for learning sex positions, have you ever thought about how people learn sex positions in the first place? How did the so-called ‘sexperts’ come about the various styles they teach? As for me I narrow it down to four variables- love, willingness, imagination and creativity. If you love your partner and you both have creative imaginations, there’s no limit to the number of positions you can come up with even without watching or reading erotica.

Q: What if I am hardly in the mood for sex after my marriage?

A: Many things can cause a person to have a low sex drive. Sometimes it’s due to medical reasons. In that case, please see a doctor. Sometimes the reason is more complex, such as a lack of sexual attraction for a spouse. This is why people are encouraged to consider physical attributes when choosing a partner as it’s difficult to have sex with a person you do not feel attracted to. For the religious, it is imperative to know that feeling sexually attracted to another person is not wrong- acting on that impulse outside of marriage is. So if you feel sexually attracted to your date, well done, you just might be sexually compatible, but if all you think of  when you see that person is ‘my brother/sister in the Lord’, then erm…you just might want to consider doing further fasting and prayers [tongue-in-cheek]

 Anyway, if you were sexually attracted to your partner before you got married and now you think it is fizzling out, it could be due to stress factors, for instance, having to juggle career and domestic work. In this case, consider getting domestic help. Sometimes sex drive may wane because one is upset with one’s partner. Whatever the case may be, please see a marriage counsellor for further help.

Have a question you want to see answered or a comment you want to share? You can do so in the comment section or email me at keepingitrealwithlaurettaani@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you.