Love Gone Wrong [3]: The Case Of The Incorrigible Liar.

Adesua*, a beautiful university graduate, left Edo State to stay with her uncle in Lagos pending when she would be called up for the National Youth Service Corps [N.Y.S.C]. While in Lagos, she met a businessman named Tega* and it was love at first sight for the two of them. A whirlwind courtship began and Tega soon began to pressurize her to do her Youth Service in Lagos so that they could be close to each other. He made a lot of promises to her, telling her that they would get married before the end of the year and that he would give her the best life had to offer.

A month to Youth Service, Adesua decided to pay Tega a visit. She left her uncle’s house very early that morning so as to beat the traffic and arrived at Tega’s house before noon. On getting there, she was surprised to enter a room with nothing but a travelling bag, some photo albums, a mat and a small colour television. Shocked, she looked at Tega who returned her gaze sheepishly. It was then the truth came out - he began to tell her how he once had a flourishing business but due to certain misfortunes, hard times  had set in and things were no longer the same. He however was looking up to God for a change in fortune. Adesua was stunned. When asked how he intended to get money to pay her dowry and start their family, he replied ‘God will provide’. Needless to say, they broke up that month.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to lie is to say or write something that is not true in other to deceive someone. Most of us have had experience with liars, and many of us have even lied to one person or another at some point in our lives. Liars are encountered everywhere: at home, in the office, in places of worship, etc, however, for the purpose of this post I will focus on lying within the context of a romantic relationship.

Generally, there are two kinds of liars viz; chronic liars and situational liars. A chronic liar is a person who has made lying a habit and is addicted to it while a situational liar is a person who does not lie except under certain circumstances. When dealing with a lying partner, it is important to discern if he or she is a chronic liar or a situational liar as that will determine the appropriate course of action to follow.

Reasons for lying

There are many reasons why a person may lie to their partner, but four major reasons are:

1.      To get one’s own way. Some partners lie when they want to obtain something or get their own way, and they feel that saying the truth will not help their cause.

2.      For self-preservation. A partner who is guilty of wrongdoing may lie as a form of self-preservation; to avoid the feeling of guilt or shame that comes as result of admitting wrongdoing. Such partners will keep insisting on their innocence even when evidence points to the contrary.

3.      Fear. A partner may lie to their better half if they are afraid of the consequences of saying the truth. Such fear could arise either because of the other partner’s temper or temperament, or because of how that partner has handled the truth in the past.

4.      For altruistic reasons. Some people refuse to tell their partner the truth because they think their partner will feel better hearing a lie than facing the truth. Unfortunately, the partner they hoped to impress eventually becomes depressed when the truth is finally revealed.

 It is important to note that a person can lie by commission or by omission. A person is said to lie by commission if he or she actually uttered an untrue statement while lying by omission occurs if a person says most of the truth but leaves out some facts for the purpose of promoting a certain misconception. Some people try to downplay lying by omission saying that as long as they did not actually utter a lie, there’s no harm done. Nothing could be further from the truth. The painful fact is that whether a partner lies by commission or omission, harm has been done to the other partner.

CONSEQUENCES OF LYING TO A PARTNER

Lying to a loved one comes with its own consequences, some of which include:

·         Lack of trust: The partner who has been lied to usually finds it difficult to trust the lying partner afterwards.

·         Anger on the part of the partner who was lied to.

·         Feelings of guilt on the part of the lying partner

·         Breakdown in communication stemming from a lack of trust. When a partner is regarded as a chronic liar, the other partner will find it difficult discussing significant issues with him or her since there are no expectations of honesty from the lying partner.

Other consequences of lying to a loved one include: separation, divorce, and even death. Consider the case of Busayo*, a successful accountant married to a banker named Tola*. Busayo and Tola met at a mutual friend’s wedding party and from there they struck up a relationship. Busayo soon noticed that Tola was a habitual liar, however, because she did not want to disappoint her parents and since she also felt that she was getting past the childbearing age, she decided to continue the relationship with the hope that Tola would change.

They got married a year later but Tola still remained the chronic liar that he was. The final straw that broke the camel’s back was when their only son, Bayo*, began to fall sick frequently. A visit to the doctor confirmed that Bayo had the sickle cell gene. Busayo was stunned as she knew she had the AS genotype and Tola the AA genotype; however, Bayo’s test result caused Tola to reveal the truth that he also was AS like Busayo; he had lied about his genotype because he wanted to marry Busayo at all costs. Bayo died a year later, and Busayo and Tola went their separate ways.

[*names and some parts of the actual story have been changed to protect identity]

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH AN INCORRIGIBLE LIAR

1.      Find out why he/she lies. Is it for self-preservation, to spare your feelings and avoid hurting you, or out of habit? Knowing why your partner lies will determine your course of action regarding the issue. Also, ask yourself the following question and honestly answer it:

 ‘Do I make it easy for my partner to be honest with me, or do I scream bloody murder when he/she tells me the truth’?

Ironically, some partners lie to their better halves because of the drama that ensues whenever they speak the truth. Strange but true.

2.      Talk to your partner about it. Never tire of telling your partner the importance of being truthful, number one reason being that it helps foster trust between the two of you and also encourages honest communication. Even if it may seem as though your words are not making an impact, be rest assured that you are sowing a seed in your partner’s heart- a seed that has a good chance of germinating.

3.      Check your behaviour. As important as it is to talk to your lying partner, be sure to avoid nagging or cantankerous behaviour as this may further encourage lying. Be as calm and composed as possible when confronting a lying partner.

4.      Show appreciation. This may sound strange but it works. If your partner is trying his [or her] best to be truthful, encourage him! Note the times when he tells the truth and comment on it-sometimes. Let him know that you appreciate his truthfulness.

5.      Pray about it. Sometimes a chronic liar may find it difficult to stop lying even with all the measures you have put in place. At this point, he or she needs Divine Intervention urgently. Ask for the fear of God to come upon your lying partner, that he or she may speak the truth not just out of love for you, but more importantly, because of love for, and fear of God.

6.      If the lying partner proves to be incorrigible, reconsider the relationship. This is especially crucial for those who have not yet tied the knot. While certain vices may be tolerated in a would-be spouse, lying is not a vice to be easily ignored as its consequences are serious and could even be life-threatening.

Do you have an experience you would like to share about a stalker, a jealous lover or a chronic liar; or any comment at all that you would like to make? Please feel free to do so in the comment section below.