Love Gone Wrong [2]: The Anatomy of the Jealous Lover

Ali and Hauwa had been dating for about two years with plans to get married the following year. One nagging doubt kept gnawing at Hauwa though- she wasn't sure she could cope with Ali’s jealous streak. Despite the fact that he knew she loved him and had never given him cause to doubt her faithfulness, he still found it difficult keeping his cool whenever he saw her speaking with another man. She had spoken to her counselor about it but had been advised to take it in her stride, after all, no one is perfect. Hauwa accepted her counselor’s advice until the unthinkable happened.

It started on a fateful Saturday afternoon. Ali and Hauwa had gone for a mutual friend’s birthday party which held at a private beach; and while there, Hauwa ran into her former fiancé, James, whom she had ended up not marrying because of ethnic differences. Though excited at seeing James, Hauwa could not chat with him as much as she would have wanted due to her fear of Ali's jealousy. Sometime later, Ali abruptly told her that it was time to go as he had other things to do. She argued with him a bit as the party was not yet in full swing but finally gave in and went to the car. As he was about driving off, she remembered that she had forgotten her phone at a drinks stand and so came down to get her phone. While at the stand, she was accosted by James who insisted on saying a few things to her. The last thing Hauwa remembered before she blacked out was Ali’s angry voice screaming at her for being a whore, a hot slap across her face, and his hands on her neck trying to strangle her.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to be jealous is to feel angry or unhappy because someone you love or like is showing interest in someone else. At the onset of a relationship, it is usually flattering to see one’s partner showing signs of possessiveness; however, it does not take long for a feeling of terror to take over especially when the possessiveness seems to be bordering on obsession.

That being said, does this mean that jealousy is always a negative emotion to be avoided? Not at all. As a matter of fact, a healthy dose of jealousy is important for any relationship, and to say that you love a person but never feel jealous over him or her is like saying that you graduated from university without taking any exam. The only question the listener can ask is: ‘How is that even possible?’ Note that even the Sovereign Lord in the Holy Scriptures referred to Himself as a ‘Jealous God’, showing that jealousy is not always an unhealthy emotion. 

So, want to find out just how jealous you are? Then take the quiz below:

QUIZ: HOW JEALOUS ARE YOU?

Instruction: Circle the option that most applies to you and check the scorecard below when you're done with the quiz. 

1.      Your partner’s phone rings and she doesn’t want to pick the call. You:

a. don’t think much of the matter, she just may not be in the mood.

b. ask her why she doesn’t want to pick the call and take action based on her answer

c. thrust the phone into her hand and demand that she answer the call in your presence

2.      Your partner meets his ex at a social event. You:

a.  say ‘hi’ to her and move on to other greet other people

b. say ‘hi’ to her and surreptitiously watch your partner throughout the event to see if he’ll try to rekindle their relationship

c.  stay a few minutes at the event and tell your partner to take you home immediately

3.      You’re aware that your partner is active on social media such as Facebook. You:

a. refuse to send her a friend request on Facebook, after all, what’s the big deal?

b. add her on Facebook and occasionally go through her posts

c. add her on Facebook and begin to monitor all her posts on the site

4.      When your partner leaves his phone around you, you:

a.  ignore it and go about your business

b. go through his phone messages and ask him about any suspicious messages

c. begin to transfer every text and social media message from his phone to yours

5.      You and your partner decide to be honest with each other about your past relationships. While she is talking about her exes, you:

a. eagerly listen without emotion and then begin to regale her with tales of your past escapades

b. listen to her and try to ascertain if she has gotten over the relationships

c. feel jealous and become moody throughout the day

6.      Your partner is not yet home from work at 9pm. You:

a. don’t feel worried at all, after all, he’s an adult

b. feel worried that all is not well and place a call to him

c.  keep imagining that he must be cheating on you right at that moment

7.      An attractive man passes by you and your partner and she comments on how handsome he is. You:

a.  laugh about it and ask if she wants you to link them up.

b. smile and joke about you being the most handsome man in the world.

c. become enraged and inform her that she has just insulted you.

8.      You and your partner attend the same church and one day you stumble upon him holding a lady in his arms. You:

a. don’t think much about it; perhaps a counselling session is going on.

b. say nothing there but later ask him about it and watch his body signals.

c. scream at the two of them and make a scene in church

9.      You go to a restaurant with your partner and excuse yourself to use the restroom. On your way back you notice a guy talking to your partner. You:

a. say ‘hello’ to him and wait for him to go away before resuming your conversation

b. say ‘hello’ and later ask your partner what the guy wanted

c. begin to scream invectives at your partner and accuse her of being a whore

10.  You notice that your partner frequently talks about a particular girl. You:

a.       think nothing of it, she’s just an acquaintance of his

b.      ask him to be careful not to fall in love with her.

c.       command him to stop seeing her immediately

HOW TO SCORE YOURSELF

For every time you tick option ‘a’, give yourself 1 point. Option ‘b’; 2 points and option ‘c’; 3 points.

SCORECARD

10- 15 points: Your jealousy quotient is way too low. You need to find out if you truly love that person or merely feel a brotherly/sisterly affection towards them.

16-24 points: Your jealousy quotient is quite okay, however, be careful that you don’t take your partner for granted or become too possessive.

25-30 points: You are way too jealous and possessive. You must learn to trust your partner and give him or her the benefit of doubt or else you risk losing your partner.

As has been stated above, there is nothing wrong with being possessive of your partner. As a matter of fact, where true love exists, so does jealousy. The problem arises when jealousy becomes uncontrollable, as is the case with so many people.

A partner may be an extremely jealous person due to certain reasons such as  poor self-esteem issues, bad experiences in past relationships, etc.

 Jealousy can be toxic to a relationship. It usually drives a rift between partners and often makes the other partner feel choked and emotionally drained in the relationship. It is also bad for the health as the jealous partner will find himself or herself experiencing anger, anxiety and depression regularly.

As ironic as this may sound, note that jealousy often serves to further drive your partner into someone else’s arms, so before you erupt in anger over your partner’s seeming attachment to someone else, take time to consider the following question:

Has your partner ever cheated on you in the past or given you cause to doubt their fidelity? If yes, then you may want to reconsider the relationship or else sentence yourself to a life of playing detective. If no, then you just may need to relax and avoid making mountains out of molehills.

Tips for handling jealousy

1.      Have realistic expectations about your relationship.

  Some people often innocently assume that their partner can never be attracted to someone else. This is a false assumption. Knowledge of the fact that men are generally stimulated by what they see and women by what they hear should alert everyone to the possibility of their partner being attracted to a more attractive or mentally stimulating person. The problem should not lie in the fact that your partner is attracted to someone else but that he or she hid the attraction from you or even worse, acted on it. This is why it is so important for couples to be honest with each other to the point of actually telling each other of their attraction to a third person-if it ever happens. The only problem is…it is difficult to be honest with a partner who is prone to jealousy over little issues, isn’t it?

2.      Identify the jealousy triggers

    What usually triggers jealousy in you? Does it happen when your partner is talking with a more attractive person or engaging in flirtatious behaviour? Is it caused by a certain person in your partner’s life? Once you have identified the triggers, this should lead to the next step, which is…

3.      Have an honest discussion with your partner.

  If your fits of jealousy has been negatively affecting your relationship, I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your partner. Let him or her know what triggers jealousy on your part and how you are making attempts to work on yourself for the sake of the relationship. You may both need to arrive at a compromise, but once again be realistic in your expectations. If, for example, you are jealous of the relationship between your partner and a colleague at work, it is quite unrealistic and even unhelpful to ask your partner not to speak to that person anymore. Doing so may further serve to drive your partner closer to that person. It may be more realistic to ask your partner to maintain a strictly professional relationship with that colleague and avoid communication on a personal level.

4.      Work on your self-esteem. 

    It is very important for every individual to have a good sense of self worth. This reduces the tendency to be over-dependent on your partner or obsessed with them. One major source of self-esteem is knowing who you are in Christ. Other sources are having a strong bond with family and friends and being fulfilled in your life’s work. Know that these will not totally eliminate feelings of jealousy on your part; however they will make you more secure in your own strengths and less possessive of your partner.

Watch out for the concluding part of this series: 

Love Gone Wrong 3: The Case of the Incorrigible Liar.