FORBIDDEN LOVE: THE ALLURE OF THE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR [2]

Hello readers. A few days ago, I wrote part one of this series on extramarital affairs. This is the concluding part of the series, please feel free to leave your comments below.

BRIEF RECAP OF PART ONE: There are many reasons why people indulge in extramarital affairs, but most times they do it for one of three reasons: (i) to fill an emotional void (ii) for financial reasons or/and to climb the corporate ladder. (iii) to gratify sexual needs.

FORBIDDEN LOVE: THE ALLURE OF THE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR [2]

Hillary and John were sweethearts while in the university. Immediately they graduated, John wasted no time in proposing to Hillary. They were married a few years later and had three kids thereafter. Ten years down the line, John became the branch manager of a particular bank while Hillary chose to be a stay-at-home mom.

Sometime afterwards, John started spending more time at work and frequenting night clubs. He claimed that he needed to meet a certain financial target for his bank and so had to meet more wealthy clients, hence the hobnobbing. Hillary thought no more of the matter until the day she received an anonymous email with pictures attached, informing her that her husband was cheating on her. The pictures showed John having sex with one of the interns in his bank. Hillary was devastated.

That night she accused John of infidelity and a shouting match began, with John alternating between saying he was sorry and also insisting that she ought to understand; it wasn't possible for a man to stick to one woman all his life. He promised to end the affair with the lady immediately and by all appearances seemed to have done so, until Hillary discovered two years later that the affair was still on and that the lady was pregnant for John. This time John adamantly refused to end the relationship saying that he wanted to take the lady as a second wife, and so the trouble began...

This experience is not unique to Hillary alone. A lot of spouses have actually been surprised to learn that their partner is involved, or has been involved in an affair with someone else at one point in time or another. Most people pass through one or more of the stages below on learning that their partner is cheating on them:

1. Denial:  The innocent spouse may refuse to believe that he or she is being cheated on.

2. Anger: The cheated spouse may feel angry at their cheating spouse for the infidelity. He or she may also feel angry at self for not recognising the signs earlier on. The negative emotions such as unhappiness and bitterness, may be transferred to the children, and office work may suffer if the cheated spouse is an employee.

 3. Blame: Some cheated partners go on to blame themselves for the infidelity, somehow feeling that if they had been man or woman enough, their partner would not have cheated on them.

4: Acceptance / Separation:

A few spouses, especially wives, go on to this stage. They embrace the belief that all men are cheats and their husband is not an exception. Others who cannot cope with the infidelity end up separating from the cheating spouse or divorcing them.

The effect of extramarital affairs are numerous and long-lasting. Infidelity not only wrecks marriages but also leaves scars on the children, especially if they are old enough to understand what's happening.

  Many school counsellors have had to counsel unhappy studentswhose families have been devastated by one partner's adulterous acts. Some parents are unaware of the extent of the damage adultery has on children, including the fact that some children subconsciously blame themselves as the cause. 

     In some cases, the wronged partner finds it difficult to forgive the unfaithful partner and may even poison the minds of the children against him or her.

      Sometimes, news of the infidelity goes beyond the family to the public sphere such as the cheating partner's office or place of worship. This consequently leads to gossip, disappointment or even termination of employment, as has happened in certain cases. 

    The cost of infidelity is so high that one must not treat it with kid gloves.  A person who was formerly powerful and influential could find himself or herself publicly disdained and disgraced just because of a little indiscretion. Remember Bill Clinton.

Though forgiven by Hillary for his affair with Monica Lewinsky, the affair continued to plague Bill Clinton and is still constantly referred to years later.

    Every self-respecting person needs to take proactive measures to avoid falling into the trap of the extramarital affair. Some steps that can be taken to avoid it include:

1.    Accept the fact that you are human:

   Some people, church folk especially, make the assumption that they are now 'powerful' enough, or disciplined enough, to be able to withstand any temptation to commit adultery. Nothing could be further from the truth. It should be noted that some fell into adultery at a time they least expected it. The sooner one accepts that the temptation to commit adultery cannot be resisted without the grace of God AND self-discipline, the better.

    Another wrong assumption made by certain people is that because they feel a very strong physical attraction to, or emotional connection with, another man or woman other than their spouse, then it must be love. What balderdash. The reality is that most married people will feel attracted to someone else other than their spouse at one time or another in their life, but this is where self discipline comes in. If married people were to act on their feelings all the time, then all women would be polyandrous and all men polygamous. Think about that.

2.  Ex-communicate the ex.

    

Some couples at the start of their marriage mutually pledge to cut off all communication with their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend . This is a wise idea. As mentioned in part one of this series, an ex is one of the easiest persons to indulge in an affair with, especially when one has a misunderstanding with their spouse. At that time a person is vulnerable and is likely to seek out someone who they feel understands them. Guess who that person likely is... You guessed right: the ex.

3.     Be careful in your place of work.

    

The above is an example of the sort of conversation that should never occur between a married person and another individual-unless you want to kiss your marriage goodbye. Quite surprisingly, however, a lot of people engage in flirtatious conversation with their co-worker and then act surprised when the co-worker comes on to them. Please be aware that an office is one of the easiest places to start an affair due to the long working hours and the fact that there are things shared in common with office mates; however, it is also the most dangerous place for an affair as, among other things, it often ends in the blackmail of one or both partners.

4.     Be best friends with your spouse.

    

Though a cliché, the advice: ‘marry your best friend’ is a very important one, especially for women. This is because women are easily attracted to a man who seems to understand them, and when that man is not their spouse, there's high risk of engaging in an extramarital affair. Being best friends with your spouse also makes you sensitive to, and observant of, their mood. Thus, it becomes easy to notice if something seems to be wrong.

5.     Avoid being stuck in a rut.

    

Boredom is one major reason why people indulge in extramarital affairs. It is very important for a couple to keep aflame the fire of love, and this is often done not just by sitting at home staring into each other’s eyes, but also by engaging in different activities such as going to see a movie together, going for a show, visiting a peppersoup joint, etc.

Some people are probably thinking right now ‘I don’t have the time for such’. Funny how people suddenly find the time for their marriage when it begins to fall apart-and by then it’s usually too late. Busyness is an enemy of any relationship, and marriage is no exception. Refuse to allow your marriage become predictable; surprise your spouse as frequently as you can- in a good way.

6     Pray for your spouse always.

     

    Even while doing your part to ensure mutual fidelity in the marriage, commit your marriage to God and ask Him to protect it from predators. With your marriage covered in prayer and you doing your part, it will be difficult for infidelity to occur.

    

  FOR THOSE INVOLVED IN AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR OR WHO ARE CONSIDERING IT, PLEASE CONSIDER THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES, SUCH AS:

1. DISGRACE

     

    A question posed in the Holy Scriptures [Proverbs 6:27] with reference to adultery reads: Can a man carry fire in his bosom and not be burned? What a profound question. The ugly reality about infidelity is that  once started, it is often difficult to stop, and most unfaithful spouses find themselves having numerous affairs over time, thus increasing the risk of being disgraced one day.

2. BLACKMAIL

    Every time you cheat on your spouse, you open yourself up to blackmail from the other man or woman. Be aware of the fact that your lover may be secretly recording your clandestine activities on tape somewhere waiting for the right time to strike.

3. UNPLEASANT WORK ENVIRONMENT:

    If the affair occurs with someone at work, there is bound to be unpleasantness when the affair ends, not to talk of the sniggering by other colleagues in the office. Office romance is one of the most difficult to hide, more so when it involves a married individual.

   To conclude, if things are not going well in your marriage, please do not be hasty in considering separation from your spouse [unless violence is involved].

Always remember: the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

Divorce statistics show that people who divorce once and remarry are very likely to divorce a second and even a third time.

Pray for the marriage, work for its success and see a counsellor if need be.