Love Gone Wrong [3]: The Case Of The Incorrigible Liar.

Adesua*, a beautiful university graduate, left Edo State to stay with her uncle in Lagos pending when she would be called up for the National Youth Service Corps [N.Y.S.C]. While in Lagos, she met a businessman named Tega* and it was love at first sight for the two of them. A whirlwind courtship began and Tega soon began to pressurize her to do her Youth Service in Lagos so that they could be close to each other. He made a lot of promises to her, telling her that they would get married before the end of the year and that he would give her the best life had to offer.

A month to Youth Service, Adesua decided to pay Tega a visit. She left her uncle’s house very early that morning so as to beat the traffic and arrived at Tega’s house before noon. On getting there, she was surprised to enter a room with nothing but a travelling bag, some photo albums, a mat and a small colour television. Shocked, she looked at Tega who returned her gaze sheepishly. It was then the truth came out - he began to tell her how he once had a flourishing business but due to certain misfortunes, hard times  had set in and things were no longer the same. He however was looking up to God for a change in fortune. Adesua was stunned. When asked how he intended to get money to pay her dowry and start their family, he replied ‘God will provide’. Needless to say, they broke up that month.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to lie is to say or write something that is not true in other to deceive someone. Most of us have had experience with liars, and many of us have even lied to one person or another at some point in our lives. Liars are encountered everywhere: at home, in the office, in places of worship, etc, however, for the purpose of this post I will focus on lying within the context of a romantic relationship.

Generally, there are two kinds of liars viz; chronic liars and situational liars. A chronic liar is a person who has made lying a habit and is addicted to it while a situational liar is a person who does not lie except under certain circumstances. When dealing with a lying partner, it is important to discern if he or she is a chronic liar or a situational liar as that will determine the appropriate course of action to follow.

Reasons for lying

There are many reasons why a person may lie to their partner, but four major reasons are:

1.      To get one’s own way. Some partners lie when they want to obtain something or get their own way, and they feel that saying the truth will not help their cause.

2.      For self-preservation. A partner who is guilty of wrongdoing may lie as a form of self-preservation; to avoid the feeling of guilt or shame that comes as result of admitting wrongdoing. Such partners will keep insisting on their innocence even when evidence points to the contrary.

3.      Fear. A partner may lie to their better half if they are afraid of the consequences of saying the truth. Such fear could arise either because of the other partner’s temper or temperament, or because of how that partner has handled the truth in the past.

4.      For altruistic reasons. Some people refuse to tell their partner the truth because they think their partner will feel better hearing a lie than facing the truth. Unfortunately, the partner they hoped to impress eventually becomes depressed when the truth is finally revealed.

 It is important to note that a person can lie by commission or by omission. A person is said to lie by commission if he or she actually uttered an untrue statement while lying by omission occurs if a person says most of the truth but leaves out some facts for the purpose of promoting a certain misconception. Some people try to downplay lying by omission saying that as long as they did not actually utter a lie, there’s no harm done. Nothing could be further from the truth. The painful fact is that whether a partner lies by commission or omission, harm has been done to the other partner.

CONSEQUENCES OF LYING TO A PARTNER

Lying to a loved one comes with its own consequences, some of which include:

·         Lack of trust: The partner who has been lied to usually finds it difficult to trust the lying partner afterwards.

·         Anger on the part of the partner who was lied to.

·         Feelings of guilt on the part of the lying partner

·         Breakdown in communication stemming from a lack of trust. When a partner is regarded as a chronic liar, the other partner will find it difficult discussing significant issues with him or her since there are no expectations of honesty from the lying partner.

Other consequences of lying to a loved one include: separation, divorce, and even death. Consider the case of Busayo*, a successful accountant married to a banker named Tola*. Busayo and Tola met at a mutual friend’s wedding party and from there they struck up a relationship. Busayo soon noticed that Tola was a habitual liar, however, because she did not want to disappoint her parents and since she also felt that she was getting past the childbearing age, she decided to continue the relationship with the hope that Tola would change.

They got married a year later but Tola still remained the chronic liar that he was. The final straw that broke the camel’s back was when their only son, Bayo*, began to fall sick frequently. A visit to the doctor confirmed that Bayo had the sickle cell gene. Busayo was stunned as she knew she had the AS genotype and Tola the AA genotype; however, Bayo’s test result caused Tola to reveal the truth that he also was AS like Busayo; he had lied about his genotype because he wanted to marry Busayo at all costs. Bayo died a year later, and Busayo and Tola went their separate ways.

[*names and some parts of the actual story have been changed to protect identity]

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH AN INCORRIGIBLE LIAR

1.      Find out why he/she lies. Is it for self-preservation, to spare your feelings and avoid hurting you, or out of habit? Knowing why your partner lies will determine your course of action regarding the issue. Also, ask yourself the following question and honestly answer it:

 ‘Do I make it easy for my partner to be honest with me, or do I scream bloody murder when he/she tells me the truth’?

Ironically, some partners lie to their better halves because of the drama that ensues whenever they speak the truth. Strange but true.

2.      Talk to your partner about it. Never tire of telling your partner the importance of being truthful, number one reason being that it helps foster trust between the two of you and also encourages honest communication. Even if it may seem as though your words are not making an impact, be rest assured that you are sowing a seed in your partner’s heart- a seed that has a good chance of germinating.

3.      Check your behaviour. As important as it is to talk to your lying partner, be sure to avoid nagging or cantankerous behaviour as this may further encourage lying. Be as calm and composed as possible when confronting a lying partner.

4.      Show appreciation. This may sound strange but it works. If your partner is trying his [or her] best to be truthful, encourage him! Note the times when he tells the truth and comment on it-sometimes. Let him know that you appreciate his truthfulness.

5.      Pray about it. Sometimes a chronic liar may find it difficult to stop lying even with all the measures you have put in place. At this point, he or she needs Divine Intervention urgently. Ask for the fear of God to come upon your lying partner, that he or she may speak the truth not just out of love for you, but more importantly, because of love for, and fear of God.

6.      If the lying partner proves to be incorrigible, reconsider the relationship. This is especially crucial for those who have not yet tied the knot. While certain vices may be tolerated in a would-be spouse, lying is not a vice to be easily ignored as its consequences are serious and could even be life-threatening.

Do you have an experience you would like to share about a stalker, a jealous lover or a chronic liar; or any comment at all that you would like to make? Please feel free to do so in the comment section below.

Love Gone Wrong [2]: The Anatomy of the Jealous Lover

Ali and Hauwa had been dating for about two years with plans to get married the following year. One nagging doubt kept gnawing at Hauwa though- she wasn't sure she could cope with Ali’s jealous streak. Despite the fact that he knew she loved him and had never given him cause to doubt her faithfulness, he still found it difficult keeping his cool whenever he saw her speaking with another man. She had spoken to her counselor about it but had been advised to take it in her stride, after all, no one is perfect. Hauwa accepted her counselor’s advice until the unthinkable happened.

It started on a fateful Saturday afternoon. Ali and Hauwa had gone for a mutual friend’s birthday party which held at a private beach; and while there, Hauwa ran into her former fiancé, James, whom she had ended up not marrying because of ethnic differences. Though excited at seeing James, Hauwa could not chat with him as much as she would have wanted due to her fear of Ali's jealousy. Sometime later, Ali abruptly told her that it was time to go as he had other things to do. She argued with him a bit as the party was not yet in full swing but finally gave in and went to the car. As he was about driving off, she remembered that she had forgotten her phone at a drinks stand and so came down to get her phone. While at the stand, she was accosted by James who insisted on saying a few things to her. The last thing Hauwa remembered before she blacked out was Ali’s angry voice screaming at her for being a whore, a hot slap across her face, and his hands on her neck trying to strangle her.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to be jealous is to feel angry or unhappy because someone you love or like is showing interest in someone else. At the onset of a relationship, it is usually flattering to see one’s partner showing signs of possessiveness; however, it does not take long for a feeling of terror to take over especially when the possessiveness seems to be bordering on obsession.

That being said, does this mean that jealousy is always a negative emotion to be avoided? Not at all. As a matter of fact, a healthy dose of jealousy is important for any relationship, and to say that you love a person but never feel jealous over him or her is like saying that you graduated from university without taking any exam. The only question the listener can ask is: ‘How is that even possible?’ Note that even the Sovereign Lord in the Holy Scriptures referred to Himself as a ‘Jealous God’, showing that jealousy is not always an unhealthy emotion. 

So, want to find out just how jealous you are? Then take the quiz below:

QUIZ: HOW JEALOUS ARE YOU?

Instruction: Circle the option that most applies to you and check the scorecard below when you're done with the quiz. 

1.      Your partner’s phone rings and she doesn’t want to pick the call. You:

a. don’t think much of the matter, she just may not be in the mood.

b. ask her why she doesn’t want to pick the call and take action based on her answer

c. thrust the phone into her hand and demand that she answer the call in your presence

2.      Your partner meets his ex at a social event. You:

a.  say ‘hi’ to her and move on to other greet other people

b. say ‘hi’ to her and surreptitiously watch your partner throughout the event to see if he’ll try to rekindle their relationship

c.  stay a few minutes at the event and tell your partner to take you home immediately

3.      You’re aware that your partner is active on social media such as Facebook. You:

a. refuse to send her a friend request on Facebook, after all, what’s the big deal?

b. add her on Facebook and occasionally go through her posts

c. add her on Facebook and begin to monitor all her posts on the site

4.      When your partner leaves his phone around you, you:

a.  ignore it and go about your business

b. go through his phone messages and ask him about any suspicious messages

c. begin to transfer every text and social media message from his phone to yours

5.      You and your partner decide to be honest with each other about your past relationships. While she is talking about her exes, you:

a. eagerly listen without emotion and then begin to regale her with tales of your past escapades

b. listen to her and try to ascertain if she has gotten over the relationships

c. feel jealous and become moody throughout the day

6.      Your partner is not yet home from work at 9pm. You:

a. don’t feel worried at all, after all, he’s an adult

b. feel worried that all is not well and place a call to him

c.  keep imagining that he must be cheating on you right at that moment

7.      An attractive man passes by you and your partner and she comments on how handsome he is. You:

a.  laugh about it and ask if she wants you to link them up.

b. smile and joke about you being the most handsome man in the world.

c. become enraged and inform her that she has just insulted you.

8.      You and your partner attend the same church and one day you stumble upon him holding a lady in his arms. You:

a. don’t think much about it; perhaps a counselling session is going on.

b. say nothing there but later ask him about it and watch his body signals.

c. scream at the two of them and make a scene in church

9.      You go to a restaurant with your partner and excuse yourself to use the restroom. On your way back you notice a guy talking to your partner. You:

a. say ‘hello’ to him and wait for him to go away before resuming your conversation

b. say ‘hello’ and later ask your partner what the guy wanted

c. begin to scream invectives at your partner and accuse her of being a whore

10.  You notice that your partner frequently talks about a particular girl. You:

a.       think nothing of it, she’s just an acquaintance of his

b.      ask him to be careful not to fall in love with her.

c.       command him to stop seeing her immediately

HOW TO SCORE YOURSELF

For every time you tick option ‘a’, give yourself 1 point. Option ‘b’; 2 points and option ‘c’; 3 points.

SCORECARD

10- 15 points: Your jealousy quotient is way too low. You need to find out if you truly love that person or merely feel a brotherly/sisterly affection towards them.

16-24 points: Your jealousy quotient is quite okay, however, be careful that you don’t take your partner for granted or become too possessive.

25-30 points: You are way too jealous and possessive. You must learn to trust your partner and give him or her the benefit of doubt or else you risk losing your partner.

As has been stated above, there is nothing wrong with being possessive of your partner. As a matter of fact, where true love exists, so does jealousy. The problem arises when jealousy becomes uncontrollable, as is the case with so many people.

A partner may be an extremely jealous person due to certain reasons such as  poor self-esteem issues, bad experiences in past relationships, etc.

 Jealousy can be toxic to a relationship. It usually drives a rift between partners and often makes the other partner feel choked and emotionally drained in the relationship. It is also bad for the health as the jealous partner will find himself or herself experiencing anger, anxiety and depression regularly.

As ironic as this may sound, note that jealousy often serves to further drive your partner into someone else’s arms, so before you erupt in anger over your partner’s seeming attachment to someone else, take time to consider the following question:

Has your partner ever cheated on you in the past or given you cause to doubt their fidelity? If yes, then you may want to reconsider the relationship or else sentence yourself to a life of playing detective. If no, then you just may need to relax and avoid making mountains out of molehills.

Tips for handling jealousy

1.      Have realistic expectations about your relationship.

  Some people often innocently assume that their partner can never be attracted to someone else. This is a false assumption. Knowledge of the fact that men are generally stimulated by what they see and women by what they hear should alert everyone to the possibility of their partner being attracted to a more attractive or mentally stimulating person. The problem should not lie in the fact that your partner is attracted to someone else but that he or she hid the attraction from you or even worse, acted on it. This is why it is so important for couples to be honest with each other to the point of actually telling each other of their attraction to a third person-if it ever happens. The only problem is…it is difficult to be honest with a partner who is prone to jealousy over little issues, isn’t it?

2.      Identify the jealousy triggers

    What usually triggers jealousy in you? Does it happen when your partner is talking with a more attractive person or engaging in flirtatious behaviour? Is it caused by a certain person in your partner’s life? Once you have identified the triggers, this should lead to the next step, which is…

3.      Have an honest discussion with your partner.

  If your fits of jealousy has been negatively affecting your relationship, I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your partner. Let him or her know what triggers jealousy on your part and how you are making attempts to work on yourself for the sake of the relationship. You may both need to arrive at a compromise, but once again be realistic in your expectations. If, for example, you are jealous of the relationship between your partner and a colleague at work, it is quite unrealistic and even unhelpful to ask your partner not to speak to that person anymore. Doing so may further serve to drive your partner closer to that person. It may be more realistic to ask your partner to maintain a strictly professional relationship with that colleague and avoid communication on a personal level.

4.      Work on your self-esteem. 

    It is very important for every individual to have a good sense of self worth. This reduces the tendency to be over-dependent on your partner or obsessed with them. One major source of self-esteem is knowing who you are in Christ. Other sources are having a strong bond with family and friends and being fulfilled in your life’s work. Know that these will not totally eliminate feelings of jealousy on your part; however they will make you more secure in your own strengths and less possessive of your partner.

Watch out for the concluding part of this series: 

Love Gone Wrong 3: The Case of the Incorrigible Liar.

LOVE GONE WRONG [1]: ESCAPING THE CLUTCHES OF THE OBSESSIVE STALKER

Fina*, a salesgirl, one day observed Silas*, a contract worker in the same company, looking unhappy. She made inquiries and found out that Silas had money problems. Being kind-hearted, Fina decided to help Silas out with the little money she could afford. Silas, overcome with joy, thanked Fina profusely and later asked for her number but she refused, insisting that there was no need for that.

Unknown to Fina, however, Silas went to meet one of her colleagues in the shop and collected Fina’s number from the girl. Days later, Fina’s phone rang and she picked the call; it was Silas calling to say hi. He soon began to call her every day until she became quite irritated by his calls. By this time, Silas had been sacked from the job as he had heard some unsavoury news about him. Fina tried to discourage Silas’ calls but he insisted on calling her and soon began to profess an undying love for her. At this point, Fina felt that things were getting out of hand. The next time Silas called, she asked a male friend of hers to pose as her fiancé and warn Silas to stop harassing her. Behold, Silas threatened the man, promising to kill him so that Fina could be his forever.

By this time, Fina became afraid for her life especially since Silas had started stalking her physically. To cut a long story short, she eventually decided to involve relevant authorities who stepped into the situation and called Silas to order. Silas would later confess that he had planned to kidnap Fina and take her off to a remote area where no one would ever find her.

The Oxford Learners’ Dictionary defines a stalker as a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention, and stalking as the crime of following and watching somebody over a long period of time in a way that is annoying or frightening. It is important to note that stalking involves paying someone unwanted attention to the point that the person feels threatened or frightened by the attention. Although both men and women are stalked, statistics show that women are stalked at a higher rate than men. In many nations of the world, stalking is regarded as a crime.

ACTIVITIES OF STALKERS

Stalkers can be identified by the following activities:

1.      Frequently calling or texting targets: A person is regarded as a stalker if he or she repeatedly places unwanted calls or sends unwanted text messages to a victim. Some may form the habit of hanging up as soon as the victim picks the call.

2.      Lying in wait for the victim at home, in the office or elsewhere: Some stalkers get obsessed with their victims to the point of secretly following them wherever they go.

3.      Contacting the friends, family, or colleagues of the victim to get information about the victim from them.

4.      Cyber stalking: Some stalkers choose to adopt the method of cyber stalking. They do this by sending frequent, unwanted emails or messages through Facebook, Whatsapp, or other social media platforms to their victims.

5.      Threatening to harm the victim, themselves, or other people: Obsessed stalkers usually threaten to cause harm to themselves, the victim or a third party if their demands are not met by the victim.

Other forms of stalking include: monitoring a person through the use of hidden cameras or listening devices or global positioning system [gps], repeatedly sending unwanted gifts, letters, etc. It should be noted that the above actions are not crimes in themselves; however, when unwanted attention becomes persistent and the recipient begins to feel afraid for his or her life, then the activities are seen to be a form of stalking. Sometimes, stalkers can get violent and this happens especially when the stalker is a former partner. Violent stalkers may resort to sending life-threatening messages to victims or even damaging property such as cars.

WHAT CAUSES STALKING BEHAVIOUR?

A person may stalk if:

1.      There is the belief that the victim is in love with the stalker. The victim may have been of assistance to the stalker at one time or another, but the stalker interprets the kind gesture as an expression of romantic love on the part of the victim.

2.      He or she was jilted by the victim and is angry about it. The stalker may resort to threatening the former partner.

3.      He or she is obsessed with the victim and just wants to be close to them. This usually happens if the victim is a famous personality, such as an actor/actress, a musician, or a TV presenter.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BEING STALKED

           If you feel you are being stalked by someone, certain steps you should take include:

1.      Tell someone else about it: if you are being harassed or intimidated by a stalker, be sure to inform people, such as family, friends and co-workers, about it. This helps to ensure that other people are watching out for you, and also reduces the risk of them innocently releasing information about the victim to the stalker.

2.      Take all threats by the stalker seriously. Never downplay any of his or her threats. Better safe than sorry.

3.      Inform relevant authorities like the police if matters escalate.

4.      Avoid predictability when you can. You can change the usual route you take or at least ask someone to accompany you to certain places if need be.  

5.      Refuse to communicate with the stalker. Block all known numbers of the stalker, and refuse to reply via text messages, email, or social media. You may consider changing your phone number if possible.

6.      Make sure you keep evidence of all phone calls, text messages, emails, etc, as you may need this if the police gets involved.

    TIPS FOR MINIMIZING THE RISK OF BEING STALKED

1.      Do not give out personal information to someone you are not well acquainted with, especially when there is no need for it. Take the case of Samuel who, while jogging one day, met a stranger who professed admiration for Samuel’s jogging ability and asked for his phone number so they could become jogging partners. Samuel, instead of giving his own phone number, collected the man’s phone number, pretended to dial it, and jogged off when the man went to get his phone from the car. Having the consciousness that certain information is personal will prevent you from being caught off guard by requests for such information.

2.      If someone you are not interested in is harassing you for a relationship, be polite yet firm in saying NO. Don’t beat about the bush! Being vague in your refusal can lead to stalking.

3.      Refuse to respond to unsolicited messages from people you do not know.

4.      Make sure friends and family are aware that they should not give out information about you without your permission.

Stalkers may or may not be known to their victims; however, the feelings evoked in the victims are similar. Most people who are victims of stalkers tend to feel afraid and vulnerable. They may also feel tense, withdrawn and depressed. Whatever the case may be, if you feel you are being stalked, get help immediately.

[* not real name]

Do you have a stalking experience you would like to share with others? Please feel free to do so in the comments section below.