A few years ago I boarded a cab
with a woman carrying two young children. After settling down I pulled out my
phone and soon got lost in the happenings around the world, that is, until I
heard a knock and a scream. I looked up in surprise only to see the older child
[not more than 5 years by the way], holding a part of his face and crying, with
the woman screaming invectives at him. I remember thinking to myself: ‘This
woman surely cannot be the boy’s mother. Probably she’s just his guardian or
something. A real mother cannot hit a little child like this’
Fast-forward to the present, and
I have had to rethink my thoughts. While I still cannot understand how a mother
could hit her little child like that, I have come to the conclusion that many
mothers of young children are living lives of quiet desperation and don’t know
who to turn to, and unless you have actually been a parent or had cause to take
care of little children even if for just a month, it’s difficult to understand
the frustration that a mother of young children can feel. For the sake of those
who may not have an idea; let me give you a hint of it.
Today, as soon as my feet hit the
ground, I heard the words- ‘I am hungry’ coming from one of the children. I
asked what they wanted to eat and received their orders. Made food and served
it, and what did I hear-‘I don’t want to eat this food again. I want so-and-so
instead.’ What! Someone might say: ‘You should have allowed them starve. When
they are hungry they will eat’. I find that this advice works more with older
children than those under age five. So after making breakfast number two, I set
about bathing them one after the other. While bathing one child, the other
methodically and systematically tore a paper into little bits and scattered
them over the living room, so mommy had to sweep-again! Then lunch time. Then
settling quarrels and threatening them with sleep if the noise level wasn’t
reduced. Then more cries of ‘mommy I’m hungry’. Are you beginning to get the
picture? Of course by afternoon mommy already feels stressed, tired, and a
feeling of wanting to escape from it all [Thank God for writing therapy].
Things are not always this bad
however. There are times when the chatter is delightful. And the smiles
exquisite. And truth be told, I have been fortunate to have family members come
in at various stages of my ‘mommy-hood’ thus making things a lot easier for me;
but I know many women who do not have family members available to help them.
And some who can afford nannies but who are wary of them because of the trauma
they had previously experienced. And a woman whose husband told her point blank
that he would not be held responsible for any sexual liaisons held with the
nanny should she decide to bring one in.
I often remember a picture I saw
in one of the Lagos State adverts for birth control, in which a woman is
carrying a child, backing another one, and holding about two or three little
ones. I previously associated the picture with poverty and felt that the advert
was targeted more at low income earners, after all, I reasoned, higher income
earners would probably have a big car to accommodate those children and
transport them around, and no one would be the wiser. But after giving birth
and relating with other mothers of young children, I have come to the
conclusion that emotional health in addition to financial consideration should
be considered when planning families. Especially considering the fact that
people no longer live in extended families like before, when there was always
an aunt or cousin to look after the children and give mommy some peace and
quiet.
I distinctly remember one day
when my son was still a baby, during a period when I had no one with me except hubby, [and hubby had gone to work that day]; how my son cried and cried and was
inconsolable. And all of a sudden I felt so helpless and harried, I dropped
everything and started weeping as well. I laugh at myself now when I remember
the incident, but the crying was actually very therapeutic for me [and it
turned out that he just wanted to sleep, but I didn’t know that then]. I often
think of mothers with as many as four young children, especially those with
children whose age difference is a year or
less- how do they cope, especially if they have no helper? How many of them are
silently crying out for help, but no one seems to hear? [Worse still, instead
of being helped, some mothers find themselves being judged by others,
especially those without the experience of taking care of little children, or
those who had it easy all through].
Is there a way to help such
mothers? I was surprised to find on the Internet that some organizations,
especially religious establishments, do have outfits dedicated solely to helping
young mothers. I find that admirable and commendable indeed. I, on my part,
have decided to do what my own mom did when I was younger- and that is to periodically
bring home a young child for a day or two, or even a weekend; not because I
particularly love little children [Ok that was just a joke], but so as to give
a young mother a little time to herself. Trust me, some mothers hardly have
even an hour to themselves, not to talk of a day. And here’s a shout out to all
who have ever helped a mother of young children-God bless you all. You have
been of help in indescribable ways.
So, how about you? How do you
plan to help a mom today?
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