KISSED THE GIRLS AND MADE THEM CRY: Why Women Lose When They Give In (Author: Lisa Bevere)

For a couple of weeks, I've heard and read things pertaining to feminism- especially in the area of sexuality.

Some feminists advocate that women should have sexual freedom, just like men. That they should be free to have sex with whoever they want, whenever they want.

I read a book (title above) several years ago that answered these arguments and so, I went again to the store to buy my second copy. Since the book is quite solid, I’ve decided to give an overview by way of clips and summaries of the beautiful thoughts the author shared. Enjoy!

We (women) believed the lie that sexual promiscuity- freedom to have sex with whoever, whenever- would set us free; but ultimately, it is women who suffer the most when the laws of love are desecrated.

No matter how far you have gone, it is a lie to feel that because you have compromised sexually in the past, you no longer have the right to say NO.

Your ability to inspire lust in men by the way you dress, speak or act is not equal to personal empowerment. The guys don’t want you for yourself; they simply want to relieve themselves of sexual tension, and you look available to help them.

Wake up! Where is the power sexual freedom for women promises? We are not winning. We are being conquered! Where is your honour, dignity, strength?

As women, we desire more than sexual release. We crave intimacy, romance and passion. We want to know and be known… but men are not interested in knowing more thoroughly and intimately, those they have known too quickly (by way of sex), no matter how many movies may suggest otherwise.
Culture says you are either a nice, weak, compliant female or a strong, aggressive, sexually free woman. But there are other options! There is a higher and more powerful way for women to adorn themselves: honour, mystery, strength, dignity, insisting on being treated with respect and accepting nothing less. Men do not want to attack and conquer such women; they want to be worthy of her.
Promiscuity gives women the freedom to behave sexually like men but the truth is, regardless of how we behave, we will never be men so why should we act like them?

'Indeed in all the promises made to us about our ability to achieve freedom and independence as women, the promise of sexual emancipation may have been the most illusory. These days, certainly, it is the one most brutally learned. All the sexual bravado a girl may possess evaporates the first time a boy she truly cares for makes it clear that he has no further use for her after his own body has been satisfied. No amount of feminist posturing, no amount of reassurances that she doesn’t need a guy like that anyway, can protect her from the pain and humiliation of those awful moments after he’s gone, when she’s alone and feeling not sexually empowered but discarded.'
Danielle Crittenden, What our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us (New York: Touchstone, 1999), 31.


This ends my summary of the author's thoughts. Of course, this is a very brief overview so it will be of greater benefit to get the book yourself. Michelle Hammond Mckinney's Secrets of an Irresistible Woman is also an excellent read on this subject.

In conclusion, I will like to add that this is not just about waiting till you walk the aisle before giving yourself sexually to a man. It’s far more.


For many ladies, we desperately need to find out our purpose in life. We need to embrace ourselves, discover who we are: quirks, ticks and all. We need to get busy with life: pursuing our dreams, developing skills and getting busy being useful to ourselves and others. In summary, adding value to ourselves.

Then when Mr … comes, we will be well developed to answer the important questions of whether he is worth spending a lifetime with... and of course, whether he is worth our precious self. 

This piece was written by Geraldine Ofulue, a lawyer, speaker and writer