A THOUGHT TO PONDER....

Any society that says there are no absolute values; no good or evil,rather everything is relative; will soon find itself with more psychopaths as citizens.

When there is a war, children suffer the most. Click on the link below and see how the children in Aleppo, Syria, were playing during the temporary ceasefire.

https://twitter.com/CNN/status/776033159297261568

BEFORE YOU SAY ‘I DO’: TEN TYPES OF PARTNERS TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT

Are you thinking of saying 'I Do' to that man or woman but you are bothered by certain traits in the person? Read on to find out if your fears are justified or if you are making much ado about nothing.

BEFORE YOU SAY ‘I DO’: TEN TYPES OF PARTNERS TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT

1.       THE VIOLENT / OVERLY AGGRESSIVE PARTNER: Professional counsellors are taught not to make decisions for people, but this is one case where I have to make an exception. If you have a fiancé/fiancée who is physically abusing you, you should know your life is at stake. Please ask your partner to get counselling and stay away from him/her in the meantime. Also, if your intended spouse often shows signs of aggression such as threatening to hit you or frequently abusing you verbally, consider the fact that you could become their punching bag when you both get married thus putting your life at risk. Whilst other weaknesses may be tolerated in a partner, physical abuse should not be tolerated under any circumstance because of the risk of death for the abused person.

2.       THE VAIN PARTNER: Some people are born extroverts and love to be around people, however watch out if your would-be spouse is a sucker for attention and a people-pleaser. This is because all manner of things could spring up after marriage, for instance the vain partner may prefer to spend more time with friends than family. He or she may also frequently make jokes at your expense and may even engage in affairs just to massage their ego. So what should you do if your partner seems to be too charming for your comfort? First, be observant. If you notice that it is mostly harmless behaviour, let it slide, after all, no one is perfect. If, however, you feel that the behaviour is unacceptable, talk to him/her about it and if there is still no change, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

3.       THE ALOOF PARTNER:  Some people are fortunate enough to be accepted by their intended spouse’s family before marriage; for others, however, it’s a different story. If your family has accepted your would-be spouse and yet the person seems to be aloof and does not readily mix up with your family members, it could be a problem in the future. You must try to find out the reason for the aloofness. Is the aloof partner simply an introvert, or does the person secretly disdain members of your family for certain reasons such as personality differences, financial or educational status, etc? Note that if this is not sorted out before marriage, a person may find himself or herself in the dilemma of having to choose between spouse or family in the near or distant future.

4.       THE SELFISH PARTNER: Some people are selfish and think life is all about them. If you find yourself about to be married to a person who thinks everything is all about him/ her and who frequently refuses to consider your feelings, consider life as it will be if you eventually marry that person. Can you live with a headstrong partner? Note though that some selfish people have learned selflessness in marriage while others became even more selfish. It depends on how well the other partner plays their card.

5.       THE SECRETIVE PARTNER: If your intended spouse is secretive and doesn’t allow you go through their phone or computer at will, you should be at red alert as it could mean a number of things. For one, the person could be a flirt and as such is not comfortable with you going through their phone or computer. The person could also be involved in shady or risky business like blackmail, drugs, etc. As I have stated in one of my previous posts on relationships, if your partner is not comfortable with you going through their phone or computer; have  a plan B or be ready for unpleasant surprises in the future.

6.       THE OVERLY POSSESSIVE, CONTROLLING OR OBSESSED PARTNER: Many people like it when their fiance/fiancee loves them to the extent of sometimes being possessive and jealous; however those emotions can sometimes be taken to the extreme thus becoming dangerous to both parties.

If you have to fill a form stating the details of the conversation every time your fiancé/fiancée sees you talking to someone else, you will need to consider carefully if you can afford to be a prisoner in your own house when you do marry because that is what it will feel like after marriage. Provided you have never given your intended spouse cause for concern as to your fidelity, he/she should trust you to a large extent and allow you freedom to relate with others. The obsessed partner will not only ‘catch a grenade’ for his beloved, he will also throw a grenade at anyone he sees talking to his partner, even if the talk is innocuous. Beware of such partners, your life and the life of others could be at risk if you do marry.

7.       I-DON’T-CARE PARTNER: It is good for individuals to have a sense of independence apart from each other; however watch out if you seem to be the one showering all the love in the relationship. If your would-be spouse seems not to care about the relationship and does not genuinely love you, warning bells should ring in your head. Such an attitude is not good for marriage and spells doom for the relationship in the future. If you find yourself in this situation, wait for things to change before you get married or else consider getting a new partner.  

8.       THE LOW-SELF ESTEEM PARTNER: Some people battle with their self esteem all through their life and for certain reasons find it difficult to love themselves or other people for that matter. If you are about to marry someone who constantly needs assurances of your love and/or fidelity, you must know that it is not an easy baggage to carry. Life is complicated enough as it is, having to deal with an insecure partner makes it even more complicated. Try to get to the root of the matter before you say “I do”. What caused the low self- esteem in the first place - was he/she rejected by family, friends, peer group, etc? Some spouses have found themselves sacrificing too much just to please an insecure partner. You may need to see a counsellor in extreme cases to avoid being behind bars – right in your own home.

9.       PARTNER WHO IS A ‘MOMMY’S-BOY’: Women by nature are attached to their family even after marriage; however it is an anomaly for a grown man to find it difficult to take decisions without ‘mommy’s consent’. If a woman is about to marry a man who likes to obtain his mother’s permission before taking decisions, she must consider if she is ready for a life of ‘Yes mommy, No mommy, Anything you say, mommy’.  While this is not an attempt to downplay a mother’s role in her son’s life, it is still necessary to emphasize the fact that at a certain point in man’s life he must grow confident enough to take certain decisions even without his parents’ input. Parents also must be confident that they have trained their son well and so trust him to make decisions with his new wife. Without this confidence, the intended couple are sure to face strife if they do get married.

10.   THE OVER-COMMITTED PARTNER: It is good for an individual to be committed to a good cause such as a career or religious activities; however, like they say, too much of everything is bad, and that sometimes includes good things. Every company and religious house likes to have dedicated [if not over-committed] workers, but if you intend to marry someone who is more dedicated to work or religious activities than to family, you need to sit down and have a word with the person about it. This is especially important if you love children and wish that you and your partner be always available to them. Discuss with your partner and try to work out how the family dynamics will play out. If in the course of your conversation you discover that your intended is not as dedicated to family as you are, then you will need to decide if you love him/her enough to cope with their frequent absenteeism, or if you need a new partner.

There you have it. My list of the top ten traits to be concerned about in a soon-to-be spouse. Do you have any trait that you would like to add or any observation on the afore-mentioned traits? Please feel free to comment below or email me at keepingitrealwithlaurettaani@gmail.com.

21 Inspiring Quotes by Albert Einstein

LESSONS FROM A SIBLING ABUSER, A CULTURAL RAPIST AND A PAEDOPHILIC TEACHER.

Good evening people. In the past week, there have been three separate but similar incidents. The first major incident was the story of a fifteen year old boy who raped his five year old brother and four year old sister. The second was that of a twenty year old man who raped a ten year old boy and claimed that it was cultural in his society to rape boys. The third was that of a thirty-three year old female teacher who first sent solo sex videos to her fifteen year old student and finally lured him into having sex with her until she was caught.

I will like to focus majorly on the first story, while making references to the second and third. The news about the sibling rape became public when the four year old girl told her mom and the police about her brother’s ‘disgusting and yucky acts’. So far, many media houses have been focusing mainly on the boy being a ‘below-average student’ who drank too much alcohol and took drugs. His mom has also been reported as saying that ‘the lives of the abused siblings will never be the same again’, even as the boy was sentenced to almost five years imprisonment.

I find it quite curious though that more serious issues are not being raised about the matter. Much of the focus is on the boy, but I daresay that his parents [or mother, as no mention is made of a father in the news] deserve to be questioned even more than the boy. I would like to ask his mother: “Where were you when your underage teenage son started taking alcohol and drugs?” By the standard of most countries the boy is not yet an adult, yet he was abusing alcohol and drugs and his mother was not aware? Hmm…..

The case of the abused schoolboy also poses the same question. An underage teenage boy receiving solo sex videos from his teacher. Mommy [or parents] not aware until one of the videos went viral and then the truth was brought to light.

The father of the abused ten year old boy mentioned above showed some vigilance at least. The twenty year old rapist crept into the boy’s room while the father was in the kitchen, closed the door and began to rape the boy. The father heard sounds in his son’s room and opened the door, and there was his son underneath a man he once trusted. The rest is history.

It is interesting to note that in all these stories, the abusers were known to their victims and were trusted by them all, at least to an extent. Definitely, in the case of the abusive brother, he was trusted by his siblings just as many people out there trust members of their families. The boy betrayed the trust of his siblings but I daresay that he was first betrayed by parents who should have been there for him. Parents who should have watched over him spirit, soul and body; who should have been more actively involved in the goings-on in his life. It was revealed that he abused his siblings when he was between the ages of thirteen and fourteen. Let these incidents serve as a warning to parents to be on their guard particularly with regards to their children.

Three lessons that can be learned from the incidents are:

Lesson number one: Be close to your children. Some parents these days find it difficult to be close to their children due to various reasons such as the pursuit of money, a rift between husband and wife, personality differences between a parent and a child, etc. It is however important to note that the success or failure of a child depends to a large extent on parental involvement in the early years. The closer a child is to his/her parents, the less likely they are to fall prey to drug/alcohol abuse.

Lesson number two: Be internet savvy and check your children’s phones regularly. Children are very smart [sometimes even smarter than their parents], especially in issues pertaining to technology. I advise parents to be at the top of their game. If your children have access to the internet, try to learn everything you can about their phones and their internet activities. For the sake of your children, don’t be a social media dinosaur. Understand the various social media apps. This will help you know exactly what your child is talking about when he or she is referring to the various social apps and the best way to go about advising them on the use of social media.

Lesson number three: Do not be too trusting, and teach your children not to be so too. As so many sex educators have taught over the years, please teach your children about their body parts from the time they are old enough to understand what you are saying, and each day be sure to discuss with them how their day went. Ask about friends, schools, etc. If you have people staying with you, question your children daily about the happenings in the house and make sure they know that it is an offence for people to touch their body parts, except perhaps when they are being bathed by authorized personnel. Please put all these stringent measures in place. Prevention is better than cure.

Finally, even with all these measures, I will like to conclude by saying that prayer is the key. In as much as many parents have good intentions for their children, the truth is that things don’t always turn out the way we hope them to. Ask the Heavenly Father to protect you and your children from perverse family relations and sadistic human beings who masquerade as neighbours, friends and enemies alike.

DATING, COURTSHIP AND WEDDING NIGHT BLUES

Ade and Bose were sweethearts while in the university, but one day, Ade hurt Bose by unintentionally embarrassing her in front of his friends. Bose became very angry and refused to talk to Ade even after he apologised to her. He stood under her window for days enduring the heat of the sun as well as a heavy downpour, still Bose refused to accept his apology. He eventually decided to get more creative.

One day he disguised himself as a security man, stole into Bose’s apartment, cut off the electricity supply and crept back downstairs. Bose called out to the security man to fix the light, Ade entered the room, restored the power and voila! there was the word ‘SORRY’ displayed somewhere in the clouds…

Story sound familiar? Well, it should if you are a regular viewer of the romance stations ZeeWorld or Telemundo. Many soap operas, novels, and magazines like to paint an idealistic picture of romance and marriage but in today’s post I would like to give what I call ‘Common Sense Tips on Dating, Courtship and Marriage. Here are the tips, in no particular order.

1.       Now that you are dating, it is assumed that you are in touch with yourself and that you know what you want in a relationship. Keep being yourself. Be real. Let your partner see you as you really are, with your strengths and weaknesses - this will help them decide whether they can live with your weaknesses. Also, always keep in mind: A broken relationship is always better than a broken marriage, so do not allow yourself to be pressured into thinking you must do all you can to preserve the relationship even when it’s clear that it can’t work.

2.       Do not start what you cannot sustain; for instance, if you do not have a car and you use the public system of transportation, do not frequently ask your date to come in a cab to see you with the promise of paying for the cab when she gets to your house- you know you cannot sustain it when you get married. Be real; sometimes ask her to use the bus or else don’t be upset if she begins to ask you for money to buy expensive luxuries. It’s not her fault-you gave her the impression that there’s excess money in the economy.

3.       Get to know the person you are dating- his/her mindset, beliefs and behavioural pattern. Some religious groups frown on the couple visiting each other or being alone during courtship in an effort to prevent sex before marriage. While the motive is admirable, it must be stated that not knowing one’s partner is a major cause of strife in marriage. I advocate visiting each other while dating as going to a person’s house reveals a lot of things about the person. When a woman visits a man, for instance, she is able to deduce many things the man may not have revealed, chief among them being the man’s true financial ability as well as his personal organization [or lack of it].  Going on outings alone as well as with other people helps you understand how your partner thinks as well as their dreams for the future. It also helps you decide if you want to be a part of that future.

Be wary of advice from well-intended people; advice such as: ‘Meet only in church [or in pastor’s house], under the watchful eyes of sister/brother so-and-so’. While such advice may be given with good intentions, it is no longer appropriate for the world we live in. In the past, all a religious woman wanted was a God-fearing husband who could provide for her financial needs, while all a religious man wanted was a God-fearing woman who would bear him children; but now people are wiser and they know that godliness and other characteristics like intellectual compatibility, emotional maturity, mental stability, etc, are necessary if marriage is to work, and it is difficult to assess these other characteristics if all you discuss with your date are Bible/Koran verses.

4.       Communication: It is important that you feel free to communicate with your intended partner about anything at all if you plan to get married to him/her. If certain conversations are out of bounds between the two of you, you might want to reconsider your choice of life partner. If your date flares up easily when you ask or talk about certain things, watch out! It may be a warning sign that all is not well. Also, one idea being promoted by some people is that it is inappropriate to check your potential partner’s phone. What balderdash! As a matter of fact, if your intended partner constantly hides his/her phone from you, it’s a huge sign that something is wrong. He [or she] may be having unresolved issues from the past that he doesn’t want you to know about so if you’re in that situation, I encourage you to ask your date what he could possibly not want you to see on the phone. If no convincing answers are given, mentally pack your bags and be ready to flee, or else prepare for some unpleasant surprises in the near or distant future.

QUESTIONS SINGLES ASK:

Q: What if you discover that the guy you’re dating is cheating on you, but you love him so much [or you really want to get married this year] that you are finding it difficult to leave him?

A: There are two sides to this coin. On one hand you could go on to marry him, but ask yourself: What if you marry him and he continues cheating on you? What will you do? Will you: (a) Start calling and threatening his other lovers (b) Turn a blind eye and pretend not to notice his cheating ways (c) Inform him that you are aware he is cheating you, and ask him to make sure he doesn’t bring STDs home?

          On the other hand, it is possible that after marrying you, he just might change and never cheat on you again [ahem! Sorry, just a cough]

     Either way, a person must know exactly what they are getting into if they decide to marry a known cheat, and they must face the fact that a cheating partner may never change their ways even in marriage so if you can cope, then so be it .

Q: What if your intended partner is prone to violence?

A: Know this: a person who hits you while you are still dating will definitely hit you after marriage. Some women try to make excuses for violent men by saying things like: ‘If the woman was a good woman, her husband would not have hit her’. What a statement! Many educators advocate that corporal punishment should not be administered on children; instead they should be disciplined through other means. Now, if it is considered inappropriate to physically discipline children, how then can beating an adult be acceptable? The onus here is on men and women to know who they are and to know their rights, as well as to stop seeing singleness as a curse. Believe me it is much better to be single than to live in the same house with a wife beater, a cheat, or a nagging woman.

Q: What if you don’t want to have sex in the relationship, but your date says ‘no sex, no relationship’, or ‘if you don’t give me sex I’ll get it elsewhere’; what should you do?

A: I always advise singles to be wary of anybody who gives the above ultimatum because of the deeper issues involved. If you are considering marrying a person who cannot do without sex in a relationship, ask yourself: ‘what if something happens to me, for instance, I undergo a surgery, and the Doctor asks me not to have sex for a month. What will this person do? Can he/she stay without sex for a month, or should I kiss goodbye to marital fidelity?’ Personally I advise singles to make sure they date someone who is sexually disciplined [as well as being sexually disciplined themselves]. Life is not all about sex, and to think otherwise is to make oneself a slave to bodily passions.

Q: How close should I get to my intended partner’s family?

A: Family is very important. When dating a man or woman, make every effort to get to know their family members and see how he/she interacts with them. One important thing to look out for is the respect [or lack of respect] that exists in the family. Note: If your date is respected by his or her family members, chances are that they will respect you too, but if they look down on him/her, chances are high that they will disdain you as well. Also watch out for the way he presents you to them. Does he present you like the Queen of his heart or like the maid of the house? Does he protect you or does he throw you to the wolves each time you go to his family house? All these things are pointers to the kind of family you may be marrying into.

WEDDING NIGHT BLUES

Q: What should a virgin expect on the wedding night?

A: If you are a virgin on your wedding night or you’re someone who has been celibate for years, congratulations. I will not say too much on this for many reasons but suffice to say: Sex for the first time is a bit painful for many females, but it gets better after the first time. Wear sexy lingerie on your wedding night, play blues to set the mood and celebrate with a little wine if you do drink- but not too much and certainly not on an empty stomach so you don’t end up drunk or with a pounding headache.

Q: Should I read erotica or watch porn to spice up my sex life?

A: As a matter of principle, I do not encourage porn or erotica as they tend to mess with one’s mind and encourage unrealistic fantasies. Some people say reading/viewing such helps one get in the mood or learn various sex positions. I say: if you want to get in the mood, eat okra, it helps to boost a person’s sex drive [and I’m not kidding]. As for learning sex positions, have you ever thought about how people learn sex positions in the first place? How did the so-called ‘sexperts’ come about the various styles they teach? As for me I narrow it down to four variables- love, willingness, imagination and creativity. If you love your partner and you both have creative imaginations, there’s no limit to the number of positions you can come up with even without watching or reading erotica.

Q: What if I am hardly in the mood for sex after my marriage?

A: Many things can cause a person to have a low sex drive. Sometimes it’s due to medical reasons. In that case, please see a doctor. Sometimes the reason is more complex, such as a lack of sexual attraction for a spouse. This is why people are encouraged to consider physical attributes when choosing a partner as it’s difficult to have sex with a person you do not feel attracted to. For the religious, it is imperative to know that feeling sexually attracted to another person is not wrong- acting on that impulse outside of marriage is. So if you feel sexually attracted to your date, well done, you just might be sexually compatible, but if all you think of  when you see that person is ‘my brother/sister in the Lord’, then erm…you just might want to consider doing further fasting and prayers [tongue-in-cheek]

 Anyway, if you were sexually attracted to your partner before you got married and now you think it is fizzling out, it could be due to stress factors, for instance, having to juggle career and domestic work. In this case, consider getting domestic help. Sometimes sex drive may wane because one is upset with one’s partner. Whatever the case may be, please see a marriage counsellor for further help.

Have a question you want to see answered or a comment you want to share? You can do so in the comment section or email me at keepingitrealwithlaurettaani@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you.

TIPS FOR FINDING MR/MS RIGHT

Hello dear reader. Recently I had cause to counsel some single friends of mine on dating and finding a life partner, and this write-up is based to some extent on those discussions. Please read, learn, enjoy and comment.

TIPS FOR FINDING MR/MS RIGHT

1.       Know who you are: While this sounds like a no-brainer, the number of people who are not really in touch with themselves and who do not know what they want is surprising. Who exactly are you and what do you want? Are you a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky kind of person, or are you a person who takes life seriously? Are you a stickler for details, or can you overlook certain things? Failure to come to terms with who you are can make you prone to making a mistake in the choice of partner.

2.       Know what you want: Make a list of the characteristics you wish a would-be partner to possess. Ask yourself what you want in a partner. Be truthful and honest with yourself. Are you looking for someone who is tall, dark and handsome? Are you looking for a wealthy prince? Are you interested in a domestic woman, a spit-fire feminist or a woman in between? You should have on your list at least ten qualities you want in a man/woman, and this should ideally encompass physical, spiritual, mental, financial and emotional attributes.  Many times people make the mistake of leaving out one or more of the components, e.g saying ‘I don’t care what a man looks like so long as he is godly’ or ‘ I need a beautiful woman irrespective of how emotionally mature she may be’. However, as those who are married know, a healthy balance of all components is important if one hopes to live “happily ever after”.

3.       Compromise: After making your list, ask yourself: is there anything on this list I can do without? For instance, can I do without the ‘dark’ in the tall, dark and handsome? If you are a punctual person, can you date a woman who is a perpetual latecomer? If you are an active church goer, can you date a man who sees religion as the ‘opium of the masses’? These questions must be honestly answered by you. Note that taste and preferences differ from individual to individual, and what may be trivial to another individual may not be trivial to you. For instance while one woman may say ‘I don’t care about a man’s height, I can marry a short/tall man, to another woman height may be a big deal. Be who you are and refuse to apologise for your preferences. Also, always remember that whatever choice you make, you, and not other people, will have to live with it for the rest of your life, so choose wisely.

4.       Visibility: Now that you know who you are and what you want, it’s time to be visible. Get seen. You cannot find Mr/Miss Right by staying at home all day. Places to search for a partner include youth groups, religious houses, sports club, etc. It is generally advisable that you seek for a partner in an area of passion so you can have shared interests; for instance if you are very active in a church, then it makes sense to seek out a life partner who also loves church activities.  A word of caution though as regards religious houses: In the past it was assumed that if one wanted a good wife/husband, one had to go to church to find one, but many people are realizing now that ‘not all that glitters is gold’, and not every churchgoer is good wife/husband material, so please be warned.

5.       Advertise! Let your close friends and family know that you are looking for someone, but please give them your specifications so you don’t have every Tom, Dick and Harry knocking at your door. Do not be afraid of meeting friends of friends, some people met their life partner that way.

6.       Pamper yourself: While on the look-out for a potential partner, be sure to pamper yourself. One hard, seemingly terrifying question I like to ask singles is this: ‘What if you could see far ahead into the future and no husband/wife is in that future, what would happen right now? Would you kill yourself? Would you drag any person off the street and marry them on the spot? Or would you take a long bath, dress yourself, and go out to enjoy life as best as you can? I believe option C makes the most sense, so start living like that today. While you wait for Mr/Miss Right, go ahead and have fun. Travel to places if you can, meet new people and do ‘internship’ in the houses of married people so you can see what being a married man/woman entails. And always remember, single or married, you are a person of inestimable worth, deserving to love and be loved, so take good care of yourself anyway.