Hello people.
Have you ever found yourself trying to calm an angry person only to get angry in the process; further escalating the tension? I certainly have.
This week’s book, De-escalate, deals with the
subject of anger. Written by Douglas Noll, the book teaches techniques for dealing with angry people without losing control of oneself.
In the introductory chapter, Douglas Noll asserts that the ideas in the book, if practised, will help readers deal effectively with angry individuals. He also identifies some ‘deadly sins’ which affect our ability
to successfully calm an angry individual; for example, the ‘sin’ of emotional
invalidation.
Douglas then educates readers on anger-defusing skills such
as Affect Labelling, Peace Circle Model, etc. He describes Affect Labelling as the process of listening to another person's emotional experience and reflecting back those emotions in short, simple "You" statements.
One major point Doug makes, however, is that for de-escalation skills to work, individuals must learn to keep their emotions in check. Without this ability, it will be difficult to handle conflict successfully. Using various scenarios, he describes how the skills can be used with young children, teenagers, spouses, friends, co-workers and bosses.
Here's an example from the book on anger defusion using Affect Labelling:
Hmmm. I felt a bit skeptical when I read this scenario, as well as some other scenarios described in the book. I don't know, but this just seems to be too good to be true. How many people out there can successfully manage to keep their emotions in check? A more probable scenario might be something like this:
One major point Doug makes, however, is that for de-escalation skills to work, individuals must learn to keep their emotions in check. Without this ability, it will be difficult to handle conflict successfully. Using various scenarios, he describes how the skills can be used with young children, teenagers, spouses, friends, co-workers and bosses.
Here's an example from the book on anger defusion using Affect Labelling:
Husband: “Would you stop that…texting and pay attention to me for once?”
Wife:[Affect Labelling] “You’re frustrated.”
Husband: “Yeah. Everytime we go out to dinner, you pull out your phone and start texting your friends. It pisses me off.”
Wife: “You’re angry and frustrated and feel disrespected.”
Husband: “Damn right I do.”
Wife: “You don’t feel loved or appreciated. You feel invisible and unworthy.”
Husband: “Yeah.”
Hmmm. I felt a bit skeptical when I read this scenario, as well as some other scenarios described in the book. I don't know, but this just seems to be too good to be true. How many people out there can successfully manage to keep their emotions in check? A more probable scenario might be something like this:
Husband: “Would you stop that…texting and pay attention to me for once?”
Wife: [still fiddling with phone] “Okay.”
Five minutes later…
Wife: “So what were you saying again?”
Husband remains silent for the rest of the day.
OR…
Husband: “Would you stop that…texting and pay attention to me for once?”
Wife: “What do you mean? Don’t I have the right to send messages to whoever I want to send messages to?”
Husband: “Everytime we go out to dinner, you pull out your phone and start texting your friends. It pisses me off.”
Wife: “Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way, but you’ll just have to learn to live with it.”
I must admit that I found Affect Labelling, a bit too formulaic, bearing in mind the fact that humans are complex and
very unpredictable. I certainly intend to try it out though; if some mortals have used the technique and found it helpful, then there's no harm in trying it out. Hopefully, all I need is practice???
Overall, despite the fact that a few ideas might seem a bit lofty, there are many useful ideas for anger
de-escalation contained in the book. Teachers, counsellors and workers in prison
systems will definitely find this book useful in the practice of their
profession.
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